My Way Of Thinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I believe and the way I behave.  I've been thinking about things that make me me, like being an atheist, or being gay.  And I've been thinking about philosophy and how people decide what to believe, how to behave.  I've decided, after all this introspection, that it's time I start to organize and codify my philosophy on life.  These points that I'll bring up, probably over the next several entries, will show what I think is important, and the keys to what makes me the person I am today. 

Of course, life is an ever-changing journey.  A true life philosophy should be flexible, fluid.  Not rigid and unchanging.  This is one of the problems I have with religion.  Religion tends to be dogmatic and limiting.  It doesn't take into consideration that everybody is different, from diverse backgrounds, and with different formative experiences.  This is wrong.  That is right.  There's no wiggle-room.  No room for actual growth.  It mostly seems to be a case of "submit or die."  Or at least suffer an eternity in torment AFTER you die.  Same thing.  It's inflexible, and not for me.

So, here's what I believe.  These are my rules to live by.  Like all people, I'm fallable.  I may hold an ideal as something to strive for, but I won't always achieve it.  But the important thing is I continue to strive.  And, if I can stick to these points, I feel I'll be a better person for it.  There's a lot to, this, so this will take several entries, I'm sure.

Without further ado, and in no particular order:

• Pursue your own happiness.  What this means to me is that you are responsible for your own happiness.  Daydreams and fantasies are fine.  But they don't actually accomplish anything.  So, if you want happiness, reach for it.  Nobody else is required to make you happy.  They should be focused on pursuing their own. 
  What does this mean for the individual?  How do you pursue happiness?  You recognize opportunities.  If I see something that will bring me happiness, I go for it.  Maybe it's a new book, or game, or some other material consideration.  Or maybe it's being open to making a new friend.  I certainly pursued happiness when Bill first made a romantic overture to me.  Be open to the things that make you happy, even if it means leaving your comfort zone once in a while.
  Of course, there's a caveat.  If video games make me happy, then this edict seems to suggest I forego other things to get those games.  But if I buy video games at the expense of paying my bills, then I'm going to be creating unhappiness.  The stress and worry of how I'll be able to pay rent or if my power will be shut off contribute to unhappiness.  So, a rational person has to weigh these factors in their pursuit.
  The bottom line is, I have the right to be happy.  But that doesn't mean someone else has the responsibility to make me happy.
• Don't interfere with other peoples' pursuit of their own happiness.  In fact, if you can bring happiness to someone else without compromising your own or someone else's, then do so.  The world will only be a better place if everyone wants to improve the quality of life for all.  If you just have individuals or groups acting selfishly, then some people may have a better life, but they leave the world at large in a worse position. 
  This actually plays into the previous rule.  You are the most important person in your world.  The people you care about are important to you, so you should want them to be happy, and feel loved and important.  The best way to do that is to help them achieve their own goals.  To bring them pleasure.  To let them know how important they are.  They'll feel better, and so will you, because you're propping up the people that make your own world interesting.
  But even people you don't know deserve to live their own lives as they see fit.  They should follow their own paths to joy.  If it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, then why interfere?  In fact, help them out.  Every little thing that you do for someone can snowball into big things.  It makes the world better, too.
  But if they decide what makes them happy is, for instance, rape...then their pursuit is harmful to others and not covered by this rule.
• Never be ashamed of what you like.  I just don't believe in the concept of a "guilty pleasure."  If it pleases me, why should I feel guilty over it?  If it's a song I love that other people think is cheesy, or uncool, then why should I be embarrassed?  I'm not the one with the issue.  If you don't like something, don't expose yourself to it.  But don't limit me on what I like.  Don't try to make me feel like I have to hide it.  Whether it's the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the books you read, the people you're attracted to, or anything else, don't be embarrassed or ashamed.  You don't need validation from outside sources.  You validate yourself.
• Try new things.  It's really easy to become stagnant.  You fall into a routine, and it's comfortable.  But, to grow as a person, you need to step outside of your comfort zone once in a while.  This one is hard to do for a lot of people, myself included.  You like the things you like, so you become comfortable just doing those things.  But how many new things are you missing out on?  Right now, my favorite food is tacos.  But maybe there's another food out there that surpasses tacos in every way.  If I don't try new things now and then, I'll never discover a new favorite. 
  This one is admittedly hard, and one of the things I fail at regularly.  But I think it's important.  For me, I've been trying to find new music and read different types of books.  I may not like everything I discover, but I feel enriched for broadening my horizons.  Of course, this can apply to all aspects of life.  Don't be afraid to be daring or bold sometimes.
• Explore when you have the opportunity.  This ties in to the last point.  Much like trying new things, go off the beaten path from time to time.  Take a new way home.  Go for walks.  Drive through unfamiliar neighborhoods.  The best way to expand your horizon is to go toward it, so to speak.  Change your viewpoint and gain new perspective.  You may learn a lot about where you live, the people around you, or even yourself.

That's it for today.  Hopefully, if you read this, you gain a bit of insight into what makes me tick.  Until next time...

Updates and Observations

I've been sick for the past couple weeks, and I'd like to say that's the reason I haven't blogged anything in a while.  I'd be lying though, since it's been a couple months since I've actually posted anything... I haven't been sick that long.

I've been thinking that maybe I need to reassess my reasons for even having a blog.  I mean, I sometimes have an inspiration for a post, but often I just don't have much to say.  Thus, the long periods of dormancy.  And then I do stupid things like create new blogs.  I can't help myself.  I'm spread so thin on the internet that I don't know where the lines of social media are anymore.

Part of my problem is that while I initially intended this blog to be a sort of mercurial catch-all, it ended up being mostly just short hack essays.  I would have an idea for a short post, and I wouldn't post it, because a blog didn't seem the appropriate forum.  Or I'd find a video I wanted to share.  And then I'd think, "I don't want to create a new blog post just for a video."  So I wouldn't post.  Instead, those things would find their way to facebook.  But I really don't like facebook for those things.

Facebook is nice for connecting with people from time to time.  But if you want individual attention, you're subject to the whimsy of the hive-mind of your friend list.  There are times when you can say that you're feeling so depressed and sad, and nobody even comments.  Other times, you might post that you stubbed your toe, and you have 35 sympathetic responses within an hour.  It's easy to have your comments get buried in the ever-flowing stream.

So, from now on, I'm going to be a lot more open to posting shorter thoughts on this blog.  After all, it's my blog.  It can have whatever rules I want, and I can change those rules at any time.  So, expect to see more of my random thoughts here.  Now, if I can just expand my readership beyond four people...

So, now a few other notes:

• The other blog I linked up a few paragraphs (Downvote This) is basically an extension of my browsing on Reddit.  Frequently, things you post to Reddit are lost to oblivion before anybody has a chance to see them.  So, this is my second chance blog.  Honestly, I am struck with ideas for posts so rarely that it really probably didn't warrant a blog.  But it's what I do, so live with it.  As I've said on the intro there, I will probably post links to other peoples' failed submissions as well.  I haven't yet though, because I'm lazy.  In due time...maybe
• Joining my secondary blog may be a tertiary blog, the name of which I have not yet chosen.  To be honest, I'm still debating within myself whether I should do this as a separate blog.  Basically, the idea is this (I know, I know, it's far from original, but I'm doing it):  On January 1st, 2012, I will be shaving off my facial hair, and the hair on my head.  I will then take one picture each day chronicling my path to the vaunted yeard.  One year of unfettered beard growth.
  Actually, I say that it will be unfettered.  That's not quite true.  I will probably trim my moustache a bit to keep it from curling up into my nostrils or down into my mouth.  And the hair on my head will be cut down whenever I feel necessary.  But the beard growth will be an unruly, untamed beast.  I hope.
  So, the jury is still out as to whether I'll post these daily pics on this blog, or if I should dedicate a new blog specifically for this purpose.  I'll figure all that out soon enough.
• I don't know why I felt the need to use bullet points here.  I only actually had two things to write about.  So, this last one is just filler.  Smoooooth.

That's about it on the update front.  My observations will come later. 

Outiversary

For most people I know, today is important because it's the anniversary of the terrorist attacks in 2001.  But for me, this day will always be personally significant for another reason.  Sixteen years ago today, I came out of the closet for the first time.  Some times it seems like it's been far longer than that.  Others it's like it was yesterday.  Time has a funny way of dilating when it comes to memory.

And yet, I still remember the feelings leading up to my coming out very clearly.  I may have forgotten some details, like the order in which I came out to people, or the exact words that were said when I did.  But the dread, thrill of terror, and the sigh of relief I remember perfectly.  Some things you just never will forget.

I knew I was gay by the time I was eight or nine years old.  I didn't know exactly all that implied, and I by no means had accepted it, but I knew.  It's something I struggled with quite a bit.  I used to keep a physical journal.  It was private and personal.  I kept it hidden at all times.  But I couldn't even be honest with myself in it.  I remember I used to allude to "my big secret."  But I didn't have the guts to even write it out.  Except for just one time.  And then I ripped the page out, and burned it.

I was terrified that if people at school found out, I would get bullied even more than I already was.  I'd probably have gotten the shit kicked out of me, too.  I was afraid that my mother would disown me.  I was afraid that the few friends I had wouldn't like me anymore.  People that haven't gone through this don't really know how isolating it can be.  Lying to your parents about having sex is one thing.  It's survival.  Lying to everyone about the core of your existence is another thing entirely.  It eats away at you.  You get paranoid.  You start to feel that if anyone ever finds out, your world will end.

I fought and fought with my sexuality for years.  But, by the time I was in high school, I finally realized that all the hoping, praying, and determination in the world wouldn't change basic biology.  I hate it when people talk to me about it being a choice.  I didn't choose this.  I wouldn't have chosen this at the time.  I wanted more than anything to be "normal" and straight.  It wasn't until high school that I understood that being gay was normal for me.

In a way, that was even worse than hating myself for being gay.  Because it was at that point that I believed that I had to live a lie for the rest of my life.  I thought I was going to have to meet a woman that I could force myself to have sex with so that I could have kids and live the life that was expected of me.  I can't even put words to the crushing despair I felt.  I just knew that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life, because I could never be true to who I actually was.

I even contemplated suicide on more than one occasion.  I was so blinded by the small world I inhabited, that I couldn't see beyond it to what my life would be like outside the stifling atmosphere of high school and being a teenager.  I was already a timid, scared kid.  The thought of going off to college, leaving my home and my comfort zone (as small as that comfort was) was overwhelming.  Add to that my certainty that I would be stuck in a lie forever, and the future seemed pretty bleak.  I stood in the kitchen in the middle of the night more than once, holding a bottle of pills in my hand, and just thinking "what if?"

Obviously I never tried to answer this question.  And I'm glad.  College changed my world view considerably.  It became more and more absurd to think I was going to live the lie for the rest of my life.  Nobody was even preventing me from cutting class.  How would they prevent me from doing anything else?  I had freedom.  I started forging my own identity.  I stopped caring as much about other peoples' expectations, and started deciding who I wanted to be.

There were growing pains.  I admit to some outlandish behavior in my quest to discover who I really was.  I faked self-confidence until I started to actually have some for real.  I acted out, and acted as crazily as I possibly could, just to test the boundaries.  It was fun, and it was scary, and it was ridiculous.  But it all underscored what I was starting to understand:  We create our own identities, and we shape the worlds around us to fit those identities.

My sophomore year was a transformative year.  The college experience was a bit underwhelming.  I was more academically challenged in high school.  But the things it did for me socially were unmistakable.  I had friends, and a bit of freedom, and my own identity.  I got involved in the theater.  I forged lasting friendships.  I grew emotionally.  And I started to realize that the last construct of my previous life was preventing me from being happy.

I was sitting in my dorm room, talking to my roommate about various things.  We were listening to music, and a song came on that had always resonated with me.  It was "Heal" by the Catherine Wheel.  There was a line that always hit me hard.  It was "everybody needs someone to live by."  To me it meant that there was a person out there that was the complement to your soul.  The other half of your being.  Someone that changes everything for you.  And this isn't someone you just want to be with.  It's someone you need to be with, to live.  And I just thought to myself "either come out, or kill yourself.  Stop living in Limbo."  So, apropos of nothing, I just blurted out to Alf that I was gay.  I remember that as I did it, I punched my leg so hard that I bruised badly.  I think I just used the pain to focus on and not think about how scared I was to come out.

That started a chain reaction for me.  I realized that coming out face to face was just too hard for me.  I was barely able to do so with Alf, and he was openly gay.  So, I started coming out in other ways.  I wrote an e-mail to my friends Danielle and Amy.  That was easier.  Once I sent the e-mail, there was no taking it back, no chickening out.  I mentioned to Danielle that I was thinking of making a "coming out" essay to give to people.  She encouraged me to do so.

So I did.  Everyone I came out to for a while after that, I used the essay.  Danielle and my friend Michelle would encourage me constantly.  "Don't you have something you want them to read, Jason?"  Hint hint.   With their help, I expanded the number of people who knew.  I relied heavily on my friends.  Travis and Meghan were the ones who helped me become more comfortable with myself and my attractions.  They bought me my first gay magazine.

I eased my way into coming out to my family by telling my brother's girlfriend (now wife) first, because she was like a sister to me, but not part of the baggage that comes with family.  Then my brother.  Then my sister.  It would be a while before I came out to my mother, though.  That was so terrifying.  She was hurt that I chose to send the essay to her in the mail instead of coming out face to face.  But what I tell people all the time (including people that haven't come out yet) is that you do it in your own way.  You do what you have to do to come out comfortably.  You can't do it anybody else's way.  In your own time, and in your own way is the only way to do it.

And I did it in some interesting ways.  Via e-mail back in 1995, when the internet was an entirely different animal.  Over the headset during a live performance of Twelfth Night.  Seriously.  During lunch, surrounded by rednecks, while working at Wal-Mart.  I submitted my essay for homework during a Creative Writing class, and it was critiqued by the class.   So, Ive done it when and where I could.  And I've lived openly since then, and been happier for it.

I've never been more grateful to the friends and family who helped me to finally start being who I really was.  It allowed me to live enough, to make enough mistakes, and to get enough experience with relationships, that when I met Bill, I was ready and able to do my part to make it a happy, healthy, and stable relationship.  We celebrated our thirteenth anniversary last month, and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.  I've found my someone to live by, and life has been infinitely better for it.  I love you Bill, and I thank you for being worth waiting for.  Thank you for being the culmination of that journey, and for being with me as we continue that journey together.

Remember Me?

Well, as I predicted back in my first post, my stick-to-it-ive-ness isn't so adhesive. It's been well over a year since my last post. So, that's about par for the course. I'm trying very hard, however, to regain my interest in this blog. I think the main reason is that I've actually decided to stop writing in my personal journal. It wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't even all that cathartic. I just bitched about the same things in every entry. And I'm so lazy that sometimes I'd start an entry, and then realize how much of a pain in the ass it would be to write everything I was thinking down, and I'd scrap it. I am the picture of motivation...

So, maybe I'll give this blog a try again. It's almost a private journal, considering that hardly anybody reads it...

Here's an update:

I'm still working at St. Lukes in the Heart Institute. It sometimes amazes me that time has passed so quickly here. Ordinarily time drags on when I'm at a job. I'll feel like I've been there for years before the six-month mark. I burn out on jobs easily. So it's surprising that this April will see my third anniversary at the hospital. That's the longest I've held a job since the porn store.
The key to avoiding burnout, for me at least, is to give no more than is absolutely necessary to the job. So many people, in pursuit of money, will work every scrap of overtime they can snatch up. They'll work doubles, have eight hours off, then work another double. Fuck that. I put in my eight hours, and then I go home. I've done the overtime thing. I've done the night shift. They will make me hate a job faster than anything. So, I've been careful to avoid extra time on the job. And, obviously, it's paid off.

My relationship continues to be the one thing I'm good at. I am baffled at people that seem to work against themselves when it comes to relationships. There aren't rules you have to follow. I find it sad when someone won't call a person, because the "rules" state you have to wait a certain period of time. All you're doing is denying yourself the company of someone you like. People are so concerned about what they can get out of a relationship, and don't worry about what they can put into it. If both parties involved (or more, if you're into the open relationship scenario) are looking out for themselves, who exactly is looking out for the relationship? Hmmm. I should write a book.

I don't think I ever mentioned our cat, Luna, so I'll do so now. I'd like to post some pictures of her, and I will eventually. But for now that's not an option. She's beautiful though. And an utter pain in the ass. She was a feral cat that we rescued from under my mom's porch in Warrensburg. Considering her wild beginnings, it's amazing to me that she's become a loving and loveable pet. And if she has her skittishness and her random quirks, well, she's no different from us.

My mom retired last year and moved to Florida. While I'm happy for her, because she's wanted to retire in Florida for quite a while, I also really miss having her so close. I used to spend the weekend in Warrensburg around once a month. I've always been a bit of a mama's boy, so this is quite an adjustment. I'm getting used to it, though. And, there will be worse places to visit in the winter than Florida.

The final bit of update-worthy news is that our computer died a horrible painful death. You don't really appreciate how integral the internet is to your life until you no longer have easy access to it. That's why there will be no pictures in this post or in any other posts I may (or may not) make in the near future. We are saving money when we can, and hope to have a new computer soon. In the interim, my internet access is limited to work access, which I shouldn't abuse (ummmm...yeah), and my PSP, which is a fantastic piece of electronics, but certainly not an effective replacement of an actual computer. But that little guy has been a lifeline for us for the last several months since our computer succumbed to the rigors of time.

Anyway, that's about all the relevant information in my life at the moment. Hopefully I'll have a more entertaining post coming here soon. Or, I might just go another year and a half before writing again... We'll see.