Playlist 2/28/11

Another playlist:

1. The Ladies - Non-Threatening
2. Brandtson - You Do the Science
3. Pinback - Walters
4. UnSun - Mockers
5. The Whigs - In the Dark
6. Nightwish - Walking In the Air
7. Jimmy Eat World - Call It In the Air
8. Thingy - O.B.1
9. The Sundays - Goodbye
10. Fifteen Minutes Fast - Move Me
11. Realpeople - My Wife, Lost in the Wild
12. Heavy Vegetable - Listen To This Song, Kill Pigs, and Try to Sue Me
13. Screamfeeder - Dart
14. Rob Crow - Burns
15. Delerium - Stopwatch Heart (Featuring Emily Haines)
16. Dance Hall Crashers - Beverly Kills
17. Kamelot - The Pendulous Fall
18. Reggie and the Full Effect - Caving
19. Other Men - Kind of Off to the Side a Bit
20. Goldfrapp - Strict Machine

Wow, that's a heavy Rob Crow presence (The Ladies, Pinback, Thingy, Heavy Vegetable, Other Men, and of course, his solo work).  I guess my PSP likes him as much as I do!

Becoming an Atheist

I thought I'd write a bit here about my path to becoming an atheist.  This topic comes up frequently for me, both at work and at home or in social situations.  These conversations run the gamut from philosophical discussions and reasoned debates to condescension and vilification for my "heathen ways."  In all cases, it's a topic I enjoy exploring, even if I'm not always the most knowledgeable of the various arguments or logical fallacies one sees in these types of debates.

I was raised in a Catholic household.  Church attendance was mandatory.  So was CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine.  It's basically like Catholic bible school for children).  While we weren't so devout a family that our religion defined every moment of our lives, it was certainly a large part of my upbringing.  Something that I've always felt set me apart from most people is that I don't think I ever truly believed in any of it.  I tried to be pious because it was valued by other people.  If you show how much you love God and the bible and Jesus and all that, then people praise you for being such a good child.

I remember when I made my first communion when I was eight years old.  One of the gifts I got was an illustrated children's bible.  (The other big gift was an Atari 2600...which do you think was my favorite?  Video games ended up being a bigger part of my life than God).  I used to carry the bible around with me, and read it like it was a novel (and indeed, I do consider it to be a work of fiction, so it sort of is like a novel).  But did I believe what I was reading?  No.  I just liked all the praise lavished on me for being a good little Catholic.

This dichotomy of believe versus expectation actually caused me quite a bit of stress as a child.  I remember being told how important it was to say my prayers each night.  We needed God for protection, and it was important that I remember to include everyone in my prayers.  And I did all that.  The problem was, I always felt like I was just talking to myself.  And because I never would have thought it possible at that time to disbelieve in God, I just assumed there was something wrong with me.  Maybe I was praying wrong.  Maybe I was flawed in some way.  And these feelings of being flawed or broken both reinforced and were reinforced by my dawning realization that I was gay.

So, take my tumultuous feelings associated with being gay (which I realized when I was nine, though the suspicions about it were there even longer than that), and add a naturally obsessive compulsive personality, and it's a recipe for disaster.  I used to pray fervently for God's protection for myself and my family and friends.  But because I felt like there was noone listening, I began to feel like the people I prayed for were actually in danger.  And so I began praying obsessively, almost like a mantra that I repeated over and over in my head, hoping it would suddenly ring true.  And if I forgot someone I would start over.  And if I thought of someone else to include I'd have to start over too.  It really was a kind of hell, and I was all alone.  I couldn't discuss these thoughts with anyone.

Similarly, when it became clear that I wasn't going to be growing out of this whole gay thing, I began to pray obsessively for God to "make me normal."  There were times when I stayed up all night praying with everything that was in me.  Of course, nothing ever happened.  It never felt like more than thinking.  There was nothing there to hear me.

Those were the conditions that really eroded my ability to convince myself that God was real.  But it took a while for me release the guilt of disbelief.  That's the real damage done by religion in my opinion.  It sets you back on your journey to finding your own beliefs.  Some people never overcome their programming.  Most religious families raise their children in that tradition, and never explain to them that other beliefs are possible.  So, for me, there was a winding road of alternate beliefs before I felt okay with letting go of religion.  I flirted with Wiccan beliefs, but they just seemed silly.  It turns out that I was drawn to it because the mysticism of it felt like a game.  That's hardly a foundation to build a belief system on.

I went through a period around 13 or 14 years ago where I called myself an agnostic, but really I was just picking and choosing the parts of various belief systems that I found appealing.  I figured there had to be a god, because what created the universe?  This was, of course, before I understood the concept of infinite regress.  But the god I was choosing to believe in was pretty far from the Abrahamic God.  It was more of the detached watchmaker variety.  And karma seemed like a nice system, so I incorporated that.

Over the course of those 13 or 14 years, I began stripping away those beliefs to get at the core, which was my rational conclusion that there was no god at all.  I've been identifying myself as an atheist for the past several years now.  And I'm far happier for it.  I've been distilling all the extraordinary beliefs out there and finding the essence, which is a refutation of the supernatural.

Now, when people ask me what I believe in, I usually say that I believe in science.  I try always to find the reasoned, scientific evidence to formulate my stance on the world.  It's a process, and I'm not where I want to be yet, but I think with time, education, and the ability to step away from supernatural beliefs, I can get there.

Wishlist 2/24/11

There are a number of new gadgets and games coming out in the coming months through the end of the year that I'm already beginning to drool over. Some of these I'll obsess over until I finally have them in my hands. Unfortunately, resources being limited, many of them will probably never be mine (unless Bill and I can find a wealthy benefactor to give us money just because we're cool...). Here's two of the things I'm most excited about.

1. Dragon Age 2 - This is the sequel to the console RPG Dragon Age: Origins, developed by BioWare. I downloaded the demo from the PSN last Tuesday, and it was such an improvement on the original. The graphics were updated, and the combat was streamlined and improved. I really enjoyed the original, but it felt sort of detached from the action. You selected a target for your attacks, pressed the action button, and you would auto-attack until the enemy died or you selected a special attack or spell. Dragon Age 2 plays more like an actual action RPG. Every press of the attack button translates into an attack on screen. And the animations of combos and attacks looks much more natural.

Another change I was happy with was the fact that you can now input commands for multiple party members at the same time. While the radial action menu is open, all action is paused. You can select spells or items to use, then close the radial menu and all characters will perform the actions you assigned. This makes combat much more efficient and less frustrating.

BioWare really seems to have taken fan suggestions and complaints to heart when developing this title. When you pick up loot, you see a notification detailing what you picked up. No longer do you get the obscure "Items Received" notice. Leveling up can now be done even in combat, and it's a lot more convenient. If multiple characters level up at the same time, when you finish with one, the next is automatically selected.

Luckily for me, I have this game pre-paid in full, including the collector's edition book. And because I pre-ordered early, I received an automatic upgrade to the signature edition. Dragon Age II comes out on March 8th, 2011. I can barely wait!

2. Sony's PSP2 - Codenamed Next Generation Portable, or NGP, this is the successor to the original Playstation Portable. An official name hasn't actually been announced yet, though many people, judging by the titles of a few upcoming games that have been announced for the system, think it may be called Playstation Next.

Whatever it's called, I want one.

I'm not really the most tech-minded person, though I love gadgets. So, I'm not going to list what CPU or GPU this thing has in it. I don't understand that sort of thing. I know it's a quad-core processor, so it's going to have considerable power. And some features have been announced, but no specifications given, such as the front and rear facing cameras. We know they're there, but we don't know how many megapixels they are. The 5" OLED screen is multitouch capable, and there is a touchpad on the back of the device as well, which evidently can have L2 and R2 controls mapped to it. Add on the full six-axis motion control, and the NGP can duplicate the full functionality of a PS3's DualShock controller. This means that a wider variety of games and genres can and likely will be ported to the system.

The NGP will use a combination of digital and physical media for games. But, unlike the original PSP, it will not use UMD format games. Instead, a proprietary flash based card will be used. There's not a lot of detail about the format as of yet. I've heard also that it has two card slots, presumably for both game cards and for expandable memory. I've not heard anything about internal memory, but I fear that it won't have internal flash memory like the PSPGo! had. Nevertheless, it should still be amazing. There's already a bevy of developers on board for NGP support, so there should be no shortage of awesome games to play.

I can't wait to get more information about the NGP. Most importantly is the price. Sony has yet to announce a price point for the system. I have read there will be two SKUs. One will be the standard version, which has Wi-Fi and Bluetooth connectivity. The second is 3G compatible. People have wondered if there will be a data plan subscription required for the 3G option. I hope Sony does what Barnes and Noble did with the Nook 3G, whose access is maintained for free via Barnes and Noble. Either way, that's the version I'll be buying.

Of course, there are many more items that can go on my wishlist, but I'll save those for future posts.

Here is a short video showcasing the games in development on the NGP:

Playlist 2/20/11

Every once in a while, I will post a playlist of what I'm listening to at the moment. Usually, this will be generated by putting my PSP on shuffle and writing down what comes out of it. Here's the first one:

1. A.C. Newman - Submarines of Stockholm
2. Shiny Toy Guns - Rainy Monday
3. The Knife - Heartbeats
4. Treble Charger - American Psycho
5. Beirut - A Sunday Smile
6. Kamelot - Abandoned
7. Therion - Seven Secrets of the Sphinx
8. The Wrens - Happy
9. Reggie and the Full Effect - What the Hell Is Stipulation?
10. Santigold - L.E.S. Artistes
11. Lily Allen - The Fear
12. Fire Spoken By the Buffalo - Like Rivers
13. Nightwish - Beauty of the Beast
14. Puffy AmiYumi - Planet Tokyo
15. Dance Hall Crashers - Last Laugh
16. Pinback - Tripoli
17. Bo Pepper - Life Before Me
18. Cinnamon Chasers - Luv Deluxe
19. Remote Action Sequence Project - Sopwith Camel Pillow
20. Brandtson - Mark It a Zero

Well, that's an eclectic mix. We've got metal, indie, pop, electro... Good stuff.

Remember Me?

Well, as I predicted back in my first post, my stick-to-it-ive-ness isn't so adhesive. It's been well over a year since my last post. So, that's about par for the course. I'm trying very hard, however, to regain my interest in this blog. I think the main reason is that I've actually decided to stop writing in my personal journal. It wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't even all that cathartic. I just bitched about the same things in every entry. And I'm so lazy that sometimes I'd start an entry, and then realize how much of a pain in the ass it would be to write everything I was thinking down, and I'd scrap it. I am the picture of motivation...

So, maybe I'll give this blog a try again. It's almost a private journal, considering that hardly anybody reads it...

Here's an update:

I'm still working at St. Lukes in the Heart Institute. It sometimes amazes me that time has passed so quickly here. Ordinarily time drags on when I'm at a job. I'll feel like I've been there for years before the six-month mark. I burn out on jobs easily. So it's surprising that this April will see my third anniversary at the hospital. That's the longest I've held a job since the porn store.
The key to avoiding burnout, for me at least, is to give no more than is absolutely necessary to the job. So many people, in pursuit of money, will work every scrap of overtime they can snatch up. They'll work doubles, have eight hours off, then work another double. Fuck that. I put in my eight hours, and then I go home. I've done the overtime thing. I've done the night shift. They will make me hate a job faster than anything. So, I've been careful to avoid extra time on the job. And, obviously, it's paid off.

My relationship continues to be the one thing I'm good at. I am baffled at people that seem to work against themselves when it comes to relationships. There aren't rules you have to follow. I find it sad when someone won't call a person, because the "rules" state you have to wait a certain period of time. All you're doing is denying yourself the company of someone you like. People are so concerned about what they can get out of a relationship, and don't worry about what they can put into it. If both parties involved (or more, if you're into the open relationship scenario) are looking out for themselves, who exactly is looking out for the relationship? Hmmm. I should write a book.

I don't think I ever mentioned our cat, Luna, so I'll do so now. I'd like to post some pictures of her, and I will eventually. But for now that's not an option. She's beautiful though. And an utter pain in the ass. She was a feral cat that we rescued from under my mom's porch in Warrensburg. Considering her wild beginnings, it's amazing to me that she's become a loving and loveable pet. And if she has her skittishness and her random quirks, well, she's no different from us.

My mom retired last year and moved to Florida. While I'm happy for her, because she's wanted to retire in Florida for quite a while, I also really miss having her so close. I used to spend the weekend in Warrensburg around once a month. I've always been a bit of a mama's boy, so this is quite an adjustment. I'm getting used to it, though. And, there will be worse places to visit in the winter than Florida.

The final bit of update-worthy news is that our computer died a horrible painful death. You don't really appreciate how integral the internet is to your life until you no longer have easy access to it. That's why there will be no pictures in this post or in any other posts I may (or may not) make in the near future. We are saving money when we can, and hope to have a new computer soon. In the interim, my internet access is limited to work access, which I shouldn't abuse (ummmm...yeah), and my PSP, which is a fantastic piece of electronics, but certainly not an effective replacement of an actual computer. But that little guy has been a lifeline for us for the last several months since our computer succumbed to the rigors of time.

Anyway, that's about all the relevant information in my life at the moment. Hopefully I'll have a more entertaining post coming here soon. Or, I might just go another year and a half before writing again... We'll see.