When I was in the middle of my sickness, Bill went to the store to get me some medicine. Since I had a bad cough, he got me some Sucrets cough drops. While sitting there, miserable, I looked over at the box, and had this epiphany: Sucrets backwards spells "stercus." Why is this noteworthy? Because stercus is Latin for "shit." Is this really something I want to put in my mouth at this point?
Remember, stercus accidit.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Updates and Observations
I've been sick for the past couple weeks, and I'd like to say that's the reason I haven't blogged anything in a while. I'd be lying though, since it's been a couple months since I've actually posted anything... I haven't been sick that long.
I've been thinking that maybe I need to reassess my reasons for even having a blog. I mean, I sometimes have an inspiration for a post, but often I just don't have much to say. Thus, the long periods of dormancy. And then I do stupid things like create new blogs. I can't help myself. I'm spread so thin on the internet that I don't know where the lines of social media are anymore.
Part of my problem is that while I initially intended this blog to be a sort of mercurial catch-all, it ended up being mostly just short hack essays. I would have an idea for a short post, and I wouldn't post it, because a blog didn't seem the appropriate forum. Or I'd find a video I wanted to share. And then I'd think, "I don't want to create a new blog post just for a video." So I wouldn't post. Instead, those things would find their way to facebook. But I really don't like facebook for those things.
Facebook is nice for connecting with people from time to time. But if you want individual attention, you're subject to the whimsy of the hive-mind of your friend list. There are times when you can say that you're feeling so depressed and sad, and nobody even comments. Other times, you might post that you stubbed your toe, and you have 35 sympathetic responses within an hour. It's easy to have your comments get buried in the ever-flowing stream.
So, from now on, I'm going to be a lot more open to posting shorter thoughts on this blog. After all, it's my blog. It can have whatever rules I want, and I can change those rules at any time. So, expect to see more of my random thoughts here. Now, if I can just expand my readership beyond four people...
So, now a few other notes:
I've been thinking that maybe I need to reassess my reasons for even having a blog. I mean, I sometimes have an inspiration for a post, but often I just don't have much to say. Thus, the long periods of dormancy. And then I do stupid things like create new blogs. I can't help myself. I'm spread so thin on the internet that I don't know where the lines of social media are anymore.
Part of my problem is that while I initially intended this blog to be a sort of mercurial catch-all, it ended up being mostly just short hack essays. I would have an idea for a short post, and I wouldn't post it, because a blog didn't seem the appropriate forum. Or I'd find a video I wanted to share. And then I'd think, "I don't want to create a new blog post just for a video." So I wouldn't post. Instead, those things would find their way to facebook. But I really don't like facebook for those things.
Facebook is nice for connecting with people from time to time. But if you want individual attention, you're subject to the whimsy of the hive-mind of your friend list. There are times when you can say that you're feeling so depressed and sad, and nobody even comments. Other times, you might post that you stubbed your toe, and you have 35 sympathetic responses within an hour. It's easy to have your comments get buried in the ever-flowing stream.
So, from now on, I'm going to be a lot more open to posting shorter thoughts on this blog. After all, it's my blog. It can have whatever rules I want, and I can change those rules at any time. So, expect to see more of my random thoughts here. Now, if I can just expand my readership beyond four people...
So, now a few other notes:
- The other blog I linked up a few paragraphs (Downvote This) is basically an extension of my browsing on Reddit. Frequently, things you post to Reddit are lost to oblivion before anybody has a chance to see them. So, this is my second chance blog. Honestly, I am struck with ideas for posts so rarely that it really probably didn't warrant a blog. But it's what I do, so live with it. As I've said on the intro there, I will probably post links to other peoples' failed submissions as well. I haven't yet though, because I'm lazy. In due time...maybe
- Joining my secondary blog may be a tertiary blog, the name of which I have not yet chosen. To be honest, I'm still debating within myself whether I should do this as a separate blog. Basically, the idea is this (I know, I know, it's far from original, but I'm doing it): On January 1st, 2012, I will be shaving off my facial hair, and the hair on my head. I will then take one picture each day chronicling my path to the vaunted yeard. One year of unfettered beard growth.
Actually, I say that it will be unfettered. That's not quite true. I will probably trim my moustache a bit to keep it from curling up into my nostrils or down into my mouth. And the hair on my head will be cut down whenever I feel necessary. But the beard growth will be an unruly, untamed beast. I hope.
So, the jury is still out as to whether I'll post these daily pics on this blog, or if I should dedicate a new blog specifically for this purpose. I'll figure all that out soon enough. - I don't know why I felt the need to use bullet points here. I only actually had two things to write about. So, this last one is just filler. Smoooooth.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Outiversary
For most people I know, today is important because it's the anniversary of the terrorist attacks in 2001. But for me, this day will always be personally significant for another reason. Sixteen years ago today, I came out of the closet for the first time. Some times it seems like it's been far longer than that. Others it's like it was yesterday. Time has a funny way of dilating when it comes to memory.
And yet, I still remember the feelings leading up to my coming out very clearly. I may have forgotten some details, like the order in which I came out to people, or the exact words that were said when I did. But the dread, thrill of terror, and the sigh of relief I remember perfectly. Some things you just never will forget.
I knew I was gay by the time I was eight or nine years old. I didn't know exactly all that implied, and I by no means had accepted it, but I knew. It's something I struggled with quite a bit. I used to keep a physical journal. It was private and personal. I kept it hidden at all times. But I couldn't even be honest with myself in it. I remember I used to allude to "my big secret." But I didn't have the guts to even write it out. Except for just one time. And then I ripped the page out, and burned it.
I was terrified that if people at school found out, I would get bullied even more than I already was. I'd probably have gotten the shit kicked out of me, too. I was afraid that my mother would disown me. I was afraid that the few friends I had wouldn't like me anymore. People that haven't gone through this don't really know how isolating it can be. Lying to your parents about having sex is one thing. It's survival. Lying to everyone about the core of your existence is another thing entirely. It eats away at you. You get paranoid. You start to feel that if anyone ever finds out, your world will end.
I fought and fought with my sexuality for years. But, by the time I was in high school, I finally realized that all the hoping, praying, and determination in the world wouldn't change basic biology. I hate it when people talk to me about it being a choice. I didn't choose this. I wouldn't have chosen this at the time. I wanted more than anything to be "normal" and straight. It wasn't until high school that I understood that being gay was normal for me.
In a way, that was even worse than hating myself for being gay. Because it was at that point that I believed that I had to live a lie for the rest of my life. I thought I was going to have to meet a woman that I could force myself to have sex with so that I could have kids and live the life that was expected of me. I can't even put words to the crushing despair I felt. I just knew that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life, because I could never be true to who I actually was.
I even contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. I was so blinded by the small world I inhabited, that I couldn't see beyond it to what my life would be like outside the stifling atmosphere of high school and being a teenager. I was already a timid, scared kid. The thought of going off to college, leaving my home and my comfort zone (as small as that comfort was) was overwhelming. Add to that my certainty that I would be stuck in a lie forever, and the future seemed pretty bleak. I stood in the kitchen in the middle of the night more than once, holding a bottle of pills in my hand, and just thinking "what if?"
Obviously I never tried to answer this question. And I'm glad. College changed my world view considerably. It became more and more absurd to think I was going to live the lie for the rest of my life. Nobody was even preventing me from cutting class. How would they prevent me from doing anything else? I had freedom. I started forging my own identity. I stopped caring as much about other peoples' expectations, and started deciding who I wanted to be.
There were growing pains. I admit to some outlandish behavior in my quest to discover who I really was. I faked self-confidence until I started to actually have some for real. I acted out, and acted as crazily as I possibly could, just to test the boundaries. It was fun, and it was scary, and it was ridiculous. But it all underscored what I was starting to understand: We create our own identities, and we shape the worlds around us to fit those identities.
My sophomore year was a transformative year. The college experience was a bit underwhelming. I was more academically challenged in high school. But the things it did for me socially were unmistakable. I had friends, and a bit of freedom, and my own identity. I got involved in the theater. I forged lasting friendships. I grew emotionally. And I started to realize that the last construct of my previous life was preventing me from being happy.
I was sitting in my dorm room, talking to my roommate about various things. We were listening to music, and a song came on that had always resonated with me. It was "Heal" by the Catherine Wheel. There was a line that always hit me hard. It was "everybody needs someone to live by." To me it meant that there was a person out there that was the complement to your soul. The other half of your being. Someone that changes everything for you. And this isn't someone you just want to be with. It's someone you need to be with, to live. And I just thought to myself "either come out, or kill yourself. Stop living in Limbo." So, apropos of nothing, I just blurted out to Alf that I was gay. I remember that as I did it, I punched my leg so hard that I bruised badly. I think I just used the pain to focus on and not think about how scared I was to come out.
That started a chain reaction for me. I realized that coming out face to face was just too hard for me. I was barely able to do so with Alf, and he was openly gay. So, I started coming out in other ways. I wrote an e-mail to my friends Danielle and Amy. That was easier. Once I sent the e-mail, there was no taking it back, no chickening out. I mentioned to Danielle that I was thinking of making a "coming out" essay to give to people. She encouraged me to do so.
So I did. Everyone I came out to for a while after that, I used the essay. Danielle and my friend Michelle would encourage me constantly. "Don't you have something you want them to read, Jason?" Hint hint. With their help, I expanded the number of people who knew. I relied heavily on my friends. Travis and Meghan were the ones who helped me become more comfortable with myself and my attractions. They bought me my first gay magazine.
I eased my way into coming out to my family by telling my brother's girlfriend (now wife) first, because she was like a sister to me, but not part of the baggage that comes with family. Then my brother. Then my sister. It would be a while before I came out to my mother, though. That was so terrifying. She was hurt that I chose to send the essay to her in the mail instead of coming out face to face. But what I tell people all the time (including people that haven't come out yet) is that you do it in your own way. You do what you have to do to come out comfortably. You can't do it anybody else's way. In your own time, and in your own way is the only way to do it.
And I did it in some interesting ways. Via e-mail back in 1995, when the internet was an entirely different animal. Over the headset during a live performance of Twelfth Night. Seriously. During lunch, surrounded by rednecks, while working at Wal-Mart. I submitted my essay for homework during a Creative Writing class, and it was critiqued by the class. So, Ive done it when and where I could. And I've lived openly since then, and been happier for it.
I've never been more grateful to the friends and family who helped me to finally start being who I really was. It allowed me to live enough, to make enough mistakes, and to get enough experience with relationships, that when I met Bill, I was ready and able to do my part to make it a happy, healthy, and stable relationship. We celebrated our thirteenth anniversary last month, and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. I've found my someone to live by, and life has been infinitely better for it. I love you Bill, and I thank you for being worth waiting for. Thank you for being the culmination of that journey, and for being with me as we continue that journey together.
And yet, I still remember the feelings leading up to my coming out very clearly. I may have forgotten some details, like the order in which I came out to people, or the exact words that were said when I did. But the dread, thrill of terror, and the sigh of relief I remember perfectly. Some things you just never will forget.
I knew I was gay by the time I was eight or nine years old. I didn't know exactly all that implied, and I by no means had accepted it, but I knew. It's something I struggled with quite a bit. I used to keep a physical journal. It was private and personal. I kept it hidden at all times. But I couldn't even be honest with myself in it. I remember I used to allude to "my big secret." But I didn't have the guts to even write it out. Except for just one time. And then I ripped the page out, and burned it.
I was terrified that if people at school found out, I would get bullied even more than I already was. I'd probably have gotten the shit kicked out of me, too. I was afraid that my mother would disown me. I was afraid that the few friends I had wouldn't like me anymore. People that haven't gone through this don't really know how isolating it can be. Lying to your parents about having sex is one thing. It's survival. Lying to everyone about the core of your existence is another thing entirely. It eats away at you. You get paranoid. You start to feel that if anyone ever finds out, your world will end.
I fought and fought with my sexuality for years. But, by the time I was in high school, I finally realized that all the hoping, praying, and determination in the world wouldn't change basic biology. I hate it when people talk to me about it being a choice. I didn't choose this. I wouldn't have chosen this at the time. I wanted more than anything to be "normal" and straight. It wasn't until high school that I understood that being gay was normal for me.
In a way, that was even worse than hating myself for being gay. Because it was at that point that I believed that I had to live a lie for the rest of my life. I thought I was going to have to meet a woman that I could force myself to have sex with so that I could have kids and live the life that was expected of me. I can't even put words to the crushing despair I felt. I just knew that I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life, because I could never be true to who I actually was.
I even contemplated suicide on more than one occasion. I was so blinded by the small world I inhabited, that I couldn't see beyond it to what my life would be like outside the stifling atmosphere of high school and being a teenager. I was already a timid, scared kid. The thought of going off to college, leaving my home and my comfort zone (as small as that comfort was) was overwhelming. Add to that my certainty that I would be stuck in a lie forever, and the future seemed pretty bleak. I stood in the kitchen in the middle of the night more than once, holding a bottle of pills in my hand, and just thinking "what if?"
Obviously I never tried to answer this question. And I'm glad. College changed my world view considerably. It became more and more absurd to think I was going to live the lie for the rest of my life. Nobody was even preventing me from cutting class. How would they prevent me from doing anything else? I had freedom. I started forging my own identity. I stopped caring as much about other peoples' expectations, and started deciding who I wanted to be.
There were growing pains. I admit to some outlandish behavior in my quest to discover who I really was. I faked self-confidence until I started to actually have some for real. I acted out, and acted as crazily as I possibly could, just to test the boundaries. It was fun, and it was scary, and it was ridiculous. But it all underscored what I was starting to understand: We create our own identities, and we shape the worlds around us to fit those identities.
My sophomore year was a transformative year. The college experience was a bit underwhelming. I was more academically challenged in high school. But the things it did for me socially were unmistakable. I had friends, and a bit of freedom, and my own identity. I got involved in the theater. I forged lasting friendships. I grew emotionally. And I started to realize that the last construct of my previous life was preventing me from being happy.
I was sitting in my dorm room, talking to my roommate about various things. We were listening to music, and a song came on that had always resonated with me. It was "Heal" by the Catherine Wheel. There was a line that always hit me hard. It was "everybody needs someone to live by." To me it meant that there was a person out there that was the complement to your soul. The other half of your being. Someone that changes everything for you. And this isn't someone you just want to be with. It's someone you need to be with, to live. And I just thought to myself "either come out, or kill yourself. Stop living in Limbo." So, apropos of nothing, I just blurted out to Alf that I was gay. I remember that as I did it, I punched my leg so hard that I bruised badly. I think I just used the pain to focus on and not think about how scared I was to come out.
That started a chain reaction for me. I realized that coming out face to face was just too hard for me. I was barely able to do so with Alf, and he was openly gay. So, I started coming out in other ways. I wrote an e-mail to my friends Danielle and Amy. That was easier. Once I sent the e-mail, there was no taking it back, no chickening out. I mentioned to Danielle that I was thinking of making a "coming out" essay to give to people. She encouraged me to do so.
So I did. Everyone I came out to for a while after that, I used the essay. Danielle and my friend Michelle would encourage me constantly. "Don't you have something you want them to read, Jason?" Hint hint. With their help, I expanded the number of people who knew. I relied heavily on my friends. Travis and Meghan were the ones who helped me become more comfortable with myself and my attractions. They bought me my first gay magazine.
I eased my way into coming out to my family by telling my brother's girlfriend (now wife) first, because she was like a sister to me, but not part of the baggage that comes with family. Then my brother. Then my sister. It would be a while before I came out to my mother, though. That was so terrifying. She was hurt that I chose to send the essay to her in the mail instead of coming out face to face. But what I tell people all the time (including people that haven't come out yet) is that you do it in your own way. You do what you have to do to come out comfortably. You can't do it anybody else's way. In your own time, and in your own way is the only way to do it.
And I did it in some interesting ways. Via e-mail back in 1995, when the internet was an entirely different animal. Over the headset during a live performance of Twelfth Night. Seriously. During lunch, surrounded by rednecks, while working at Wal-Mart. I submitted my essay for homework during a Creative Writing class, and it was critiqued by the class. So, Ive done it when and where I could. And I've lived openly since then, and been happier for it.
I've never been more grateful to the friends and family who helped me to finally start being who I really was. It allowed me to live enough, to make enough mistakes, and to get enough experience with relationships, that when I met Bill, I was ready and able to do my part to make it a happy, healthy, and stable relationship. We celebrated our thirteenth anniversary last month, and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. I've found my someone to live by, and life has been infinitely better for it. I love you Bill, and I thank you for being worth waiting for. Thank you for being the culmination of that journey, and for being with me as we continue that journey together.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Playlist for 7/18/11
- Diablo Swing Orchestra - A Tapdancer's Dilemma
- Asrai - In Front of Me
- Pinback - Sherman
- Beirut - Elephant Gun
- sElf - Could You Love Me Now?
- Hot Chip - Over and Over
- Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
- Cibo Matto - Sugar Water
- Grizzly Bear - Two Weeks
- In This Moment - You Always Believed
- Dirty Projectors - Stillness Is the Move
- VAST - Touched
- Hybrid - Choke
- Metric - Black Sheep
- The Temper Trap - Down River
- Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business
- Greg Laswell - Your Ghost
- Optiganally Yours - Figaro
- The Paper Raincoat - Sympathetic Vibration
- Metisse - Boom Boom Ba
Thursday, July 7, 2011
More Things I Hate (Rant II, the Revenge)
So, it's been a while since I've ranted, and that's what I originally planned to do a lot of with this blog. With that in mind, I've decided it's time. And yesterday I found inspiration on a few different subjects. Bill and I went to Wal-Mart with a friend because we needed quite a bit of stuff for the new apartment we moved into last weekend. No, the rant isn't about Wal-Mart specifically, though I do think that they are evil. But, to quote Nightwish: "Beware the Beast, but enjoy the feast he offers." No, it's the people AT Wal-Mart that will start this rant off. So, without further ado, my rant.
Fat people in electric carts
This is among the most irritating things I've ever seen. If I had been playing Wal-Mart Bingo I would have scored points before even getting in the store. I saw no less than 5 fat ladies riding the scooters provided for people with actual physical handicaps. Sorry, but fat isn't a handicap. It's the result of poor choices. Now, I realize that there is always the possibility that someone has a legitimate ailment or condition ("it's glandular...") that makes them morbidly obese. And maybe you could argue that it is a handicap in that case. But I seriously doubt all of these people actually had a handicap.
Fat people can walk. If you're fat, it's most likely because of overeating, eating the wrong foods, and lack of exercise. So, really, fat people not only can walk, but should. Bill and I were fat. We've still got a long way to go before we aren't considered fat anymore. But the fact is, we never blamed anyone but ourselves, and when it became an obstacle to comfortable living and a healthy self-image, we changed. We started going for walks. We started taking the stairs. We became more active. And we began to monitor what we ate. We have very low willpower. If we can do this, anybody can.
So, it's not my life, so why do I get pissed off? Because there are legitimately handicapped people for whom the electric scooters are intended. Wal-Mart has a large number of these scooters. But not an unlimited number. And if they're all taken up by fat lazy people, then the people that actually need them will be made to suffer. While I was at Wal-Mart in line to pay, the two women in front of me were both in scooters. One of them was very fat indeed. The other wasn't what I'd call morbidly obese. Yes, she was fat, but not cripplingly so. But what killed me is that to get to her money, she stood up to dig through her pockets. So, she's able-bodied enough for that. It just irritates me. While waiting for Bill to be done checking out, I overheard two employees talking. They were out of fresh scooters, so they were going to bring more out. The junior employee said "But those aren't even charged!" The senior employee said "but we don't have any left, and the manager said we need to." So, essentially, if someone with a real need came in, they'd have the very real possibility of being stranded in the middle of the store when the charge died, all because of some very selfish, lazy fat people.
Parents who don't parent
Well what do you know? This one is on the bingo card too! The incident that specifically made me think of this one also occurred during checkout. There was a young couple with a little girl of about three years old. The girl was in the cart (not the seat portion, but the actual basket). The mother was facing away, looking at the cashier. The father was standing next to the cart, and giving furtive glances at the girl. Well, I guess I'm just assuming it's the father. Maybe it's just a friend of the mother. Who knows? The point is, the little girl was jumping up and down in the cart and screeching.
First of all, I'd like to point out that three year olds aren't known for their grace and dexterity. So the kid could very easily have fallen out of the cart. But the screeching had to be annoying to more than just me. The mother kept shooting glares at her kid, but never actually did anything. She didn't say a word. She didn't make the child sit. She just let the kid be an annoyance to everyone in the vicinity with the ability to hear.
The sad fact is that this is really common, and not just at Wal-Mart. How many times have you seen kids running amok in a public place. They're making too much noise, hitting into people and objects, knocking things over and being at best a nuisance, and at worst an actual physical threat. And where are the parents? Either nowhere to be seen, or even worse, right there allowing it. When I worked front desk at a hotel, I would frequently have to deal with children running around unsupervised. It's like the parents figured the staff would take care of them. We have other things to deal with that are actually our job. I don't like kids at all, so that makes this one doubly irritating to me.
When I was a kid, if we acted up, we would get disciplined by my mother. It would range from threats of grounding all the way up to spanking if our behavior was particularly bad. I just don't know what accounts for the permissiveness that you see in parents today. Is it because they're afraid that if they spank their children in public, that Child Protective Services will get them for abuse? Or are they so soft that they think spanking is wrong and you should try reasoning with your children? Whatever the reason, they need to reassess their plan, because spanking works. I know it worked on me and my siblings.
Parents who over-parent
This probably seems weird considering my last point. I realize it's a balancing act. But some people just go too far in the other direction. I didn't specifically see any of this at Wal-Mart yesterday, though I've certainly seen it in various places over the years. Have you ever seen a parent who just completely overreacts to a small situation? Now, I understand that there might be more than what I've seen. Perhaps the kid was being a little asshole the entire car trip out to wherever they happen to be. Or maybe the little brat is doing something he's been told not to do dozens of times before. So I understand all that. But I've seen parents (in some cases people I actually knew personally) who were so strict and mean to their kids that it's a wonder the children never ran away.
It's always disturbing to me to see this particular thing, because sometimes you can really hear and feel the venom in the adult's voice as they yell at (or worse, do that whole "fierce whisper" sort of thing) their kids. And if I can hear or feel it, you can bet the kid does too. It's sort of distressing to hear a mother talk with more hate than love when dealing with her child. My mom was stern when she needed to be, but I've never heard anything even close to dislike from her, let alone the bile that some of these parents unleash on their kids.
The other side of the over-parenting coin is the overprotective coddler. These are the parents who act as if their children are so fragile that simply hearing the wrong thing will require years of therapy to undo. They aren't aloud to play outside because there is evidently a child molester on every street corner. These children are going to grow up so afraid of the world that they will be unprepared to actually deal with life. Parents need to find a healthy balance. Teach your child independence, but don't skimp on teaching discipline and manners, either. It's your job as a parent. My job doesn't involve raising your kids.
Celebrating mediocrity
This seems like a natural segue from the mollycoddling parents of the previous point. Why do we feel the need to reward people for just showing up? What's the point of a competition if everyone gets a ribbon? I don't remember there being too much of this sort of thing when I was growing up, though I'm sure it must have been happening. I never got a "thanks for participating" medal. I never got a "participation trophy." It defeats the purpose of competition to do these things. And a bit of competitive spirit is not a bad thing to teach children. Competition drives excellence. Do you really want to teach your kids that doing the bare minimum is just fine? If there's no reason to excel, people simply won't.
One of coworkers was bragging and showing off pictures of her granddaughter's graduation...from Kindergarten. Really? A full cap-and-gown commencement for kids who don't even know what the hell a commencement is? That makes no sense at all. It's unnecessary and excessive. And what's the benefit? Is it to create a false sense of being special so even unremarkable children feel accomplished? It sort of seems like setting them up to fail in the real world, which isn't half as indulgent.
Also related to this point is the overuse of the word "hero." These days, if you even sign up for the military, you're called a hero. I think people confuse the concept of a hero with a personal hero. There's a big difference. Just signing on the dotted line and putting on a uniform doesn't make you a hero. Getting sent overseas in wartime doesn't make you a hero. You're doing your job. Going above and beyond, risking life and limb to save another, taking a chance to make a large difference, regardless of the cost....those are heroic actions. Sitting in a camp, eating MREs and doing drills doesn't make you a hero. Even participating in combat doesn't necessarily make you a hero. Surviving makes you skilled, or lucky. Going to war makes you a soldier, maybe even a good one. But a hero? Come on.
Court case du jour and the armchair litigators
The most recent occurence of this is Casey Anthony case. There are several aspects of this that piss me off, and I'm going to try to cover all of them. Point one: what makes the case du jour more important or newsworthy than the hundreds upon hundreds of other murders, disappearances, kidnappings, rapes, and other heinous crimes? The media decides that they can really get a high ratings response from particular cases. Maybe it's because there's a cute kid involved. Maybe it's because it's a pretty white girl on vacation. I have to wonder why you don't see a big fanfare if the girl who disappears is black, or Mexican, or unattractive.
So the media applies their process to the news of the day, and sees which diamonds in the rough they can polish and turn into a treasure of ratings. They present what facts they are given by the authorities (usually not all of them, of course) and make a snap judgment about the suspect. They give their opinions like they are facts, and they try and convict the person based on conjecture. They present the news with that bias intact, and the public eats it up, because it's a good story. Then these armchair litigators act as if they're experts on the case because they've been watching Nancy Grace's coverage every night. They make the snap decision they've been spoonfed, and they think it's their own well-reasoned logic that informed their opinion.
The whole process pisses me off. Looking specifically at the Casey Anthony case, I've heard many people express disgust and disbelief that she "got away with it." But you can be damn sure that if they were on trial, they would want the same benifit of reasonable doubt that they are indignant about in this case. Even though she was found not guilty, she will be dogged by the assumption of her guilt. She'll be stigmatized and will most likely have to move. But since this case was covered nationally, where can she go? This will very likely affect her prospects of future employment. Yet she'll also be judged if she attempts to profit from this whole fiasco. She's in a no-win situation, and it shouldn't be that way.
People can argue that the public has a right to know. But if it hampers justice, how can we possibly retain that right? Why do we "need" to know the details of this particular case, when there are thousands more that no one even cares about? How are we as the public benefitting for the case being publicized? We aren't. The only thing satisfied is our own prurient nature and the chance to exercise the self-perceived skills we gleaned from Law and Order and CSI.
I get so angry when I hear someone declaim how they know someone's guilty, as if their opinion is somehow more valid than the decision of a jury of the defendant's peers, who had all the evidence put before them and had a reasoned and unbiased examination and deliberation on those facts. That's just hubris, and there's no place for it in the justice system.
Whew, rant over. I feel much better now. If you fit into one of these categories, I don't mean to offend you, but I still mean what I say. I'm by no means perfect, and I'll happily read your rants about my behavior if you'd like.
Fat people in electric carts
This is among the most irritating things I've ever seen. If I had been playing Wal-Mart Bingo I would have scored points before even getting in the store. I saw no less than 5 fat ladies riding the scooters provided for people with actual physical handicaps. Sorry, but fat isn't a handicap. It's the result of poor choices. Now, I realize that there is always the possibility that someone has a legitimate ailment or condition ("it's glandular...") that makes them morbidly obese. And maybe you could argue that it is a handicap in that case. But I seriously doubt all of these people actually had a handicap.
Fat people can walk. If you're fat, it's most likely because of overeating, eating the wrong foods, and lack of exercise. So, really, fat people not only can walk, but should. Bill and I were fat. We've still got a long way to go before we aren't considered fat anymore. But the fact is, we never blamed anyone but ourselves, and when it became an obstacle to comfortable living and a healthy self-image, we changed. We started going for walks. We started taking the stairs. We became more active. And we began to monitor what we ate. We have very low willpower. If we can do this, anybody can.
So, it's not my life, so why do I get pissed off? Because there are legitimately handicapped people for whom the electric scooters are intended. Wal-Mart has a large number of these scooters. But not an unlimited number. And if they're all taken up by fat lazy people, then the people that actually need them will be made to suffer. While I was at Wal-Mart in line to pay, the two women in front of me were both in scooters. One of them was very fat indeed. The other wasn't what I'd call morbidly obese. Yes, she was fat, but not cripplingly so. But what killed me is that to get to her money, she stood up to dig through her pockets. So, she's able-bodied enough for that. It just irritates me. While waiting for Bill to be done checking out, I overheard two employees talking. They were out of fresh scooters, so they were going to bring more out. The junior employee said "But those aren't even charged!" The senior employee said "but we don't have any left, and the manager said we need to." So, essentially, if someone with a real need came in, they'd have the very real possibility of being stranded in the middle of the store when the charge died, all because of some very selfish, lazy fat people.
Parents who don't parent
Well what do you know? This one is on the bingo card too! The incident that specifically made me think of this one also occurred during checkout. There was a young couple with a little girl of about three years old. The girl was in the cart (not the seat portion, but the actual basket). The mother was facing away, looking at the cashier. The father was standing next to the cart, and giving furtive glances at the girl. Well, I guess I'm just assuming it's the father. Maybe it's just a friend of the mother. Who knows? The point is, the little girl was jumping up and down in the cart and screeching.
First of all, I'd like to point out that three year olds aren't known for their grace and dexterity. So the kid could very easily have fallen out of the cart. But the screeching had to be annoying to more than just me. The mother kept shooting glares at her kid, but never actually did anything. She didn't say a word. She didn't make the child sit. She just let the kid be an annoyance to everyone in the vicinity with the ability to hear.
The sad fact is that this is really common, and not just at Wal-Mart. How many times have you seen kids running amok in a public place. They're making too much noise, hitting into people and objects, knocking things over and being at best a nuisance, and at worst an actual physical threat. And where are the parents? Either nowhere to be seen, or even worse, right there allowing it. When I worked front desk at a hotel, I would frequently have to deal with children running around unsupervised. It's like the parents figured the staff would take care of them. We have other things to deal with that are actually our job. I don't like kids at all, so that makes this one doubly irritating to me.
When I was a kid, if we acted up, we would get disciplined by my mother. It would range from threats of grounding all the way up to spanking if our behavior was particularly bad. I just don't know what accounts for the permissiveness that you see in parents today. Is it because they're afraid that if they spank their children in public, that Child Protective Services will get them for abuse? Or are they so soft that they think spanking is wrong and you should try reasoning with your children? Whatever the reason, they need to reassess their plan, because spanking works. I know it worked on me and my siblings.
Parents who over-parent
This probably seems weird considering my last point. I realize it's a balancing act. But some people just go too far in the other direction. I didn't specifically see any of this at Wal-Mart yesterday, though I've certainly seen it in various places over the years. Have you ever seen a parent who just completely overreacts to a small situation? Now, I understand that there might be more than what I've seen. Perhaps the kid was being a little asshole the entire car trip out to wherever they happen to be. Or maybe the little brat is doing something he's been told not to do dozens of times before. So I understand all that. But I've seen parents (in some cases people I actually knew personally) who were so strict and mean to their kids that it's a wonder the children never ran away.
It's always disturbing to me to see this particular thing, because sometimes you can really hear and feel the venom in the adult's voice as they yell at (or worse, do that whole "fierce whisper" sort of thing) their kids. And if I can hear or feel it, you can bet the kid does too. It's sort of distressing to hear a mother talk with more hate than love when dealing with her child. My mom was stern when she needed to be, but I've never heard anything even close to dislike from her, let alone the bile that some of these parents unleash on their kids.
The other side of the over-parenting coin is the overprotective coddler. These are the parents who act as if their children are so fragile that simply hearing the wrong thing will require years of therapy to undo. They aren't aloud to play outside because there is evidently a child molester on every street corner. These children are going to grow up so afraid of the world that they will be unprepared to actually deal with life. Parents need to find a healthy balance. Teach your child independence, but don't skimp on teaching discipline and manners, either. It's your job as a parent. My job doesn't involve raising your kids.
Celebrating mediocrity
This seems like a natural segue from the mollycoddling parents of the previous point. Why do we feel the need to reward people for just showing up? What's the point of a competition if everyone gets a ribbon? I don't remember there being too much of this sort of thing when I was growing up, though I'm sure it must have been happening. I never got a "thanks for participating" medal. I never got a "participation trophy." It defeats the purpose of competition to do these things. And a bit of competitive spirit is not a bad thing to teach children. Competition drives excellence. Do you really want to teach your kids that doing the bare minimum is just fine? If there's no reason to excel, people simply won't.
One of coworkers was bragging and showing off pictures of her granddaughter's graduation...from Kindergarten. Really? A full cap-and-gown commencement for kids who don't even know what the hell a commencement is? That makes no sense at all. It's unnecessary and excessive. And what's the benefit? Is it to create a false sense of being special so even unremarkable children feel accomplished? It sort of seems like setting them up to fail in the real world, which isn't half as indulgent.
Also related to this point is the overuse of the word "hero." These days, if you even sign up for the military, you're called a hero. I think people confuse the concept of a hero with a personal hero. There's a big difference. Just signing on the dotted line and putting on a uniform doesn't make you a hero. Getting sent overseas in wartime doesn't make you a hero. You're doing your job. Going above and beyond, risking life and limb to save another, taking a chance to make a large difference, regardless of the cost....those are heroic actions. Sitting in a camp, eating MREs and doing drills doesn't make you a hero. Even participating in combat doesn't necessarily make you a hero. Surviving makes you skilled, or lucky. Going to war makes you a soldier, maybe even a good one. But a hero? Come on.
Court case du jour and the armchair litigators
The most recent occurence of this is Casey Anthony case. There are several aspects of this that piss me off, and I'm going to try to cover all of them. Point one: what makes the case du jour more important or newsworthy than the hundreds upon hundreds of other murders, disappearances, kidnappings, rapes, and other heinous crimes? The media decides that they can really get a high ratings response from particular cases. Maybe it's because there's a cute kid involved. Maybe it's because it's a pretty white girl on vacation. I have to wonder why you don't see a big fanfare if the girl who disappears is black, or Mexican, or unattractive.
So the media applies their process to the news of the day, and sees which diamonds in the rough they can polish and turn into a treasure of ratings. They present what facts they are given by the authorities (usually not all of them, of course) and make a snap judgment about the suspect. They give their opinions like they are facts, and they try and convict the person based on conjecture. They present the news with that bias intact, and the public eats it up, because it's a good story. Then these armchair litigators act as if they're experts on the case because they've been watching Nancy Grace's coverage every night. They make the snap decision they've been spoonfed, and they think it's their own well-reasoned logic that informed their opinion.
The whole process pisses me off. Looking specifically at the Casey Anthony case, I've heard many people express disgust and disbelief that she "got away with it." But you can be damn sure that if they were on trial, they would want the same benifit of reasonable doubt that they are indignant about in this case. Even though she was found not guilty, she will be dogged by the assumption of her guilt. She'll be stigmatized and will most likely have to move. But since this case was covered nationally, where can she go? This will very likely affect her prospects of future employment. Yet she'll also be judged if she attempts to profit from this whole fiasco. She's in a no-win situation, and it shouldn't be that way.
People can argue that the public has a right to know. But if it hampers justice, how can we possibly retain that right? Why do we "need" to know the details of this particular case, when there are thousands more that no one even cares about? How are we as the public benefitting for the case being publicized? We aren't. The only thing satisfied is our own prurient nature and the chance to exercise the self-perceived skills we gleaned from Law and Order and CSI.
I get so angry when I hear someone declaim how they know someone's guilty, as if their opinion is somehow more valid than the decision of a jury of the defendant's peers, who had all the evidence put before them and had a reasoned and unbiased examination and deliberation on those facts. That's just hubris, and there's no place for it in the justice system.
Whew, rant over. I feel much better now. If you fit into one of these categories, I don't mean to offend you, but I still mean what I say. I'm by no means perfect, and I'll happily read your rants about my behavior if you'd like.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Playlist 6/20/11
Here's another playlist, generated from shuffling my MP3s on my PSP. There's some good stuff here.
- Lullacry - Unchain
- Pinback - Boo
- The Blow - True Affection
- Cross My Heart - Infinity Doesn't Live Here Anymore
- Nina Gordon - Tonight and the Rest of My Life
- Team Sleep - Blvd Nights
- Systems Officer - Hael
- Ladyhawke - Manipulating Woman
- Outkast - Hey Ya
- Lacuna Coil - Stars
- Phoenix - One Time Too Many
- Placebo - Space Monkey
- The Hillary Step - No Good Reason
- Postal Service - Such Great Heights
- Tarja Turunen - Ciaran's Well
- Other Men - In This Wind
- Reggie and the Full Effect - Smith & 9th
- Jimmy Eat World - Over
- The Kite-Eating Tree - Hollywood Hates You
- Iced Earth - Behold the Wicked Child
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
PlayStation Vita
A few months ago, I posted an entry to my wishlist about the PSP2, or NGP. Well, yesterday, at Sony's E3 keynote, the NGP got its official name: PlayStation Vita. I know, it's kind of a terrible name (though not as bad as Wii U). Vita means "life" in Latin, so maybe they're taking a stab at gamers, whose lives revolve around things like this.
But, silly name or not, I'm as jazzed as ever for it to come out. This is going to be a powerful little contraption. There will be two versions of the system released. The first, Wi-Fi only model will be $249. The second one, which is Wi-Fi/3G support, will be $299. That may seem steep to a lot of people, but to someone whose life revolves around things like this....ahem....it seems pretty worth it. The only downside is that they announced AT&T as the official service provider for the Vita. I'm not too jazzed about that, but what can I do. I have to own this. It's not optional.
There are plenty of little teasers and trailers about new games for the Vita, but the one that impressed me the most was the video for LittleBigPlanet, so I've included that here. It looks like it will be an amazing experience. While it's unfortunate that the user-generated content won't be ported, at least any costume DLC you have from LBP and LBP2 will be.
Enjoy!
But, silly name or not, I'm as jazzed as ever for it to come out. This is going to be a powerful little contraption. There will be two versions of the system released. The first, Wi-Fi only model will be $249. The second one, which is Wi-Fi/3G support, will be $299. That may seem steep to a lot of people, but to someone whose life revolves around things like this....ahem....it seems pretty worth it. The only downside is that they announced AT&T as the official service provider for the Vita. I'm not too jazzed about that, but what can I do. I have to own this. It's not optional.
There are plenty of little teasers and trailers about new games for the Vita, but the one that impressed me the most was the video for LittleBigPlanet, so I've included that here. It looks like it will be an amazing experience. While it's unfortunate that the user-generated content won't be ported, at least any costume DLC you have from LBP and LBP2 will be.
Enjoy!
Friday, June 3, 2011
PlayStation Store
Well, it's been quite a while since I've updated this blog. A lot has happened. In case you don't follow these sorts of things, Sony's PlayStation Network was attacked by hackers, resulting in one of the largest security breaches in history. Something like 77 million PSN accounts were compromised in the attack. If you have a PSN account, your personal information was stolen.
These attacks left the PSN and other PlayStation related services like Qriocity offline for nearly six weeks. For over six weeks, there were no updates to the PlayStation Store. We couldn't play games online, or even couch co-op games like Sacred 2: Fallen Angel, as it requires that you sign in to the PSN on each profile when you play in co-op mode. The breach cost Sony $171 million. And probably more, in the long run, since many people jumped ship and committed to the 360 in response to the outage.
Now, finally, the last bit of Sony's service is restored, with the PlayStation store coming back online yesterday. There will be updates every Tuesday and Friday until they catch up. A lot of people are criticizing Sony for the whole debacle. Some say they even deserved it for antagonizing the hacking community by suing George Hotz for jailbreaking the PS3 and posting the root keys on his website.
My feeling on the matter is that while Sony mishandled the issue when it came to swift response and communicating with it's customers, at the core, they were victims in this. They didn't deserve to be attacked in this way. They were protecting the security of their hardware, and the health of their assets, as any business would. Why should they be targeted. X-Box 360 fanboys act as if their precious Microsoft wouldn't do the exact same thing if their business was threatened in that way.
What pisses me off the most about this, though, is that the real victims were the 77 million people whose accounts were compromised, and whose enjoyment of their personal property was limited by thoughtless, selfish hackers. If you manage to hack the PS3 to install custom firmware, then great. But don't distribute that information to everybody. Because it's the fans that suffer. We couldn't sync trophies that we earned. We couldn't play games online that we purchased. We couldn't download new games and DLC that we wanted, and that 360 and PC gamers got much earlier. It's not fair. If you don't like the way Sony does business, just don't do business with them. But don't infringe on my right to do business with them.
Sony is trying to make good on their promises to compensate it's customers. I for one think they've made some good choices, for the most part. First of all, they are offering one full year of free identity theft protection. They've also announced (and begun rolling out) a "Welcome Back" deal. This deal consists of an additional 60 days of PlayStation Plus membership to subcribers, and various free content. I have read that PlayStation Home users will get around 100 free virtual items for their Home spaces and avatars, though I haven't been on that service yet since it was restored.
The free content that I'm sure about (for North America, anyway) is for the most part pretty good stuff. First of all, you get to choose any two from the following list of PS3 games:
You also get your choice of two from a list of four PSP games. Here's the list:
The Video section of the PS Store has three movies available for free rental, in Standard or High Definition. I'm not sure if these are the only free rentals forthcoming, or if they're going to do more on the following weekends. This is the only part of the Welcome Back package that was disappointing. Here are the three movies:
I feel bad for the people that actually already own all the games available for compensation. I know there are more than a few people in this situation. That's the danger of them offering some of the more popular titles. Maybe Sony should have just given everybody a sizeable credit on their PSN account, available for them to spend any way they see fit. But they didn't. At any rate, I think Sony is at least trying to do the right thing for their fans and supporters, and I applaud them for it.
These attacks left the PSN and other PlayStation related services like Qriocity offline for nearly six weeks. For over six weeks, there were no updates to the PlayStation Store. We couldn't play games online, or even couch co-op games like Sacred 2: Fallen Angel, as it requires that you sign in to the PSN on each profile when you play in co-op mode. The breach cost Sony $171 million. And probably more, in the long run, since many people jumped ship and committed to the 360 in response to the outage.
Now, finally, the last bit of Sony's service is restored, with the PlayStation store coming back online yesterday. There will be updates every Tuesday and Friday until they catch up. A lot of people are criticizing Sony for the whole debacle. Some say they even deserved it for antagonizing the hacking community by suing George Hotz for jailbreaking the PS3 and posting the root keys on his website.
My feeling on the matter is that while Sony mishandled the issue when it came to swift response and communicating with it's customers, at the core, they were victims in this. They didn't deserve to be attacked in this way. They were protecting the security of their hardware, and the health of their assets, as any business would. Why should they be targeted. X-Box 360 fanboys act as if their precious Microsoft wouldn't do the exact same thing if their business was threatened in that way.
What pisses me off the most about this, though, is that the real victims were the 77 million people whose accounts were compromised, and whose enjoyment of their personal property was limited by thoughtless, selfish hackers. If you manage to hack the PS3 to install custom firmware, then great. But don't distribute that information to everybody. Because it's the fans that suffer. We couldn't sync trophies that we earned. We couldn't play games online that we purchased. We couldn't download new games and DLC that we wanted, and that 360 and PC gamers got much earlier. It's not fair. If you don't like the way Sony does business, just don't do business with them. But don't infringe on my right to do business with them.
Sony is trying to make good on their promises to compensate it's customers. I for one think they've made some good choices, for the most part. First of all, they are offering one full year of free identity theft protection. They've also announced (and begun rolling out) a "Welcome Back" deal. This deal consists of an additional 60 days of PlayStation Plus membership to subcribers, and various free content. I have read that PlayStation Home users will get around 100 free virtual items for their Home spaces and avatars, though I haven't been on that service yet since it was restored.
The free content that I'm sure about (for North America, anyway) is for the most part pretty good stuff. First of all, you get to choose any two from the following list of PS3 games:
- Wipeout HD/Fury
- Little Big Planet
- InFamous
- Dead Nation
- Super Stardust HD
You also get your choice of two from a list of four PSP games. Here's the list:
- Little Big Planet PSP
- ModNation Racers PSP
- Pursuit Force
- Killzone: Liberation
The Video section of the PS Store has three movies available for free rental, in Standard or High Definition. I'm not sure if these are the only free rentals forthcoming, or if they're going to do more on the following weekends. This is the only part of the Welcome Back package that was disappointing. Here are the three movies:
- Ghostbusters - This is the only one that I bothered downloading. Sure it's sort of a modern classic, but it's a movie that nearly everybody has already seen. Sure, it was pretty good, but it seems a bit weak as a compensation for six weeks of having no PSN or PS Store at all.
- Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within - Another movie I've already seen. It was graphically quite impressive, but completely weak in every other way. Still, I can kind of understand it being picked. It is sort of tailored for gamers. But if they were going to cater to gamers, they could have at least chosen Advent Children.
- Bad Boys - Yet another movie I've already seen, and I wish I could have the time back. I mean, I like Will Smith as much as the next guy, but Martin Lawrence? Really? That guy's a tool. I'd rather make sweet love to a live electrical socket than see this movie again.
I feel bad for the people that actually already own all the games available for compensation. I know there are more than a few people in this situation. That's the danger of them offering some of the more popular titles. Maybe Sony should have just given everybody a sizeable credit on their PSN account, available for them to spend any way they see fit. But they didn't. At any rate, I think Sony is at least trying to do the right thing for their fans and supporters, and I applaud them for it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Playlist for 4/25/11
- Sarge - "Beguiling"
- Placebo - "Bionic"
- Jimmy Eat World - "Goodbye Sky Harbor"
- Pinback - "Penelope"
- The New Pornographers - "Letter From An Occupant"
- Dance Hall Crashers - "He Wants Me Back"
- UnSun - "The Last Tears"
- Taking Back Sunday - "Set Phasers to Stun"
- No Knife - "Parting Shot"
- Santigold - "You'll Find A Way"
- Cassettes Won't Listen - "Freeze and Explode"
- Ween - "Mutilated Lips"
- Liz Phair - "Fuck and Run"
- Felix da Housecat - "Everyone Is Someone In L.A."
- The Format - "Swans"
- The Spinto Band - "Oh Mandy"
- In This Moment - "Standing Alone"
- Del tha Funkee Homosapien - "Catch A Bad One"
- Seven Storey Mountain - "Politician"
- Nada Surf - "Bad Best Friend"
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Seven Deadly Sins
Yesterday, Bill and I spent the day with our friends Michelle and Eric. One of the many topics that came up was the Seven Deadly Sins, or, as Bill calls them, the Seven Paths to Happiness. Of course, he's being facetious (I think) when he says that. While I don't think they are really a key to happiness, I think they are a key to human nature. We all possess them in some measure. How you handle them defines some part of you. We were asking ourselves which of the sins best embodies us. So I'm going to list the "sins" and talk about how each of them is a part of me.
Now, before I do this, please understand that while I am referring to them as sins, I don't actually believe in the concept of sin. I don't believe in an afterlife with a punishment/reward scenario. So, I've removed the religious aspects of the definitions of these traits as I apply them to my own life and behavior. I see these "sins" as natural components of a person, and, like so many things, they are fine in moderation. It's only when it begins to dominate your life and interactions that it becomes a problem. But even then, it's not a sin. The repercussions are generally far more immediate than something that happens after you die. You'll be brought to task by the consequences of your actions, or by friends and family disowning you...
I wasn't sure which order I should put them in, so I went with alphabetical. Here goes:
ENVY
Envy is a part of my life. I fully admit that. It's not my "defining" sin, but it's up there. In my defense, I don't take it to the extreme of wanting to see people I envy brought low. Generally speaking, most of the people I envy are people I like, or people I don't know at all. I'm envious of people with musical talent. I've always wanted to be a musician. I used to fantasize and daydream about being a rock star. But while I was listening to music and daydreaming it was me on stage performing, other people were out actually learning an instrument.
So, I've only got myself to blame on that one. But that doesn't stop me evnying people like my brother, who taught himself bass and guitar because the desire to create music was so strong in him. I envy friends and family that have found jobs they love, or have the money to do all the things I want to do. I never resent them for this, I'm just kind of jealous. I'm jealous of people with artistic talent of any kind, and of people who don't want for inspiration when they endeavor to create.
So envy is definitely one of my defining characteristics. I try not to let it get out of hand, but I can't help but judge my own life against the lives of others, and sometimes I'm disappointed by the conclusions I draw.
GLUTTONY
Well, this is certainly a big one for me. Not the biggest, but probably the second biggest. I definitely am an overeater. Food is a source of more than just nutrition. It's a favorite subject to talk about. It's a comforting action. It's something to do when you're bored. It's a way to express your love of someone else. I sometimes think I'll always be overweight, because I just can't seem to resist the urge to eat. One of my favorite pastimes is to look through cookbooks and recipe websites and just try to imagine how those things would taste.
I could stand to lose some weight. Not because I hate the way I look, because I really don't. But I would like to not be winded from walking up a flight of stairs. I'd like to come home from a day out without my feet, knees, and back aching so badly that it discourages me from any further exertion. The problem is that they keep making food so...tasty.
GREED
Those who know me should be unsurprised that this is the sin I most embody. I love material things. When we were out with Michelle at various stores, including Best Buy, I found literally thousands of dollars worth of things I wanted. I'm sure most people want things that they can't have. But for me, it creates almost a physical ache of longing. When I saw the Nintendo 3DS in action, I think I audibly moaned. I had been skeptical of it's ability to render glasses-free 3-D. But when I saw how awesomely it delivered on my expectations, I knew I had to have one. I also saw a better HDTV, the Google TV system, dozens of video games, and all other manner of gadgets that I simply had to have. Even now, the next day, I can't stop thinking of all the things I want.
The negative way this affects me is that I am just terrible with money. I'm filled with greed, so when I have money, I tend to spend it foolishly. You could quadruple my salary, and I'd still have the same pittance at the end of the week. It really is true that the more you get, the more you want. It can't be helped. When we were saving up for our computer, it took Bill to snap me out of the ever-escalating insanity of want. We had enough to get a computer, but I thought "well, only $100 more and we can upgrade this..." Then we get the $100 and I start thinking, "oh, but for $200 more we can get this..." It's a neverending spiral of wanting more and more. Thankfully, Bill snapped me out of it, and we got a computer that we really like, and it's more than sufficient for our needs.
As a lifelong gamer, this is probably going to be a defining characteristic of mine until the day I die. Sad, but true. Still, there are worse sins to give in to.
LUST
There are some people, maybe those who knew me in college, or the people who knew me when I managed the porn store, who will think this is my biggest aspect. And don't get me wrong. I love pornography. I like the idea of it. I like the fantasy of it. And, when you couple my compulsive collecting and organizing behavior patterns with a love of porn, it can mean lots of lost evenings of sorting through sordid galleries of smut, for sure. But, believe it or not, I'm not sex-obsessed. I'd place lust somewhere in the middle in terms of prevalence in my life. It's not all I think about, and I'm not constantly thinking of the next time I have sex, or dwelling on the last time either.
Of course, there are those who think just looking at or downloading pornographic videos or pictures makes you a sick, lustful pervert. I happily, unreservedly disagree. Porn is healthy. Sexual hangups are the real problem. People need to lighten up.
PRIDE
I think this is the sin I least embody. Everyone can be excessively proud, but it certainly isn't the norm for me. If anything, I see myself as hopelessly mundane. That's why envy is so high up in my list. But if I'm to be completely honest with myself, there are definitely times when I see myself as better than other people. I try really hard to curtail those feelings though, because this can be one of the most harmful of these traits. I've noticed it the most when discussing religion with people. I have such a hard time understanding why someone would believe what I consider to be utterly ludicrous. So, the darkest part of me feels superior to believers, because I've had the strength of mind and reason to see through the lies of religion.
Another aspect of myself that I tie into pride is how much I love being praised. Maybe I just need validation. But when people talk about how good I am at my job, or how knowledgeable I am about a subject, I get such a charge out of it. Like most people, I'm prone to getting a big head with too much praise.
Despite all that, though, I don't see as much of this in me as the other sins.
SLOTH
Oh man, am I ever lazy. I will take the path of least resistance every single time. I'm predictable that way. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. This is why a large portion of my daydreams center in some way around me and Bill winning the lottery or finding some other way out of an ordinary life and it's ordinary responsibilities. When people tell me things like "if I won the lottery, I'd still have to work, or I'd get bored," I just scoff. To me, a worthwhile day would begin with sleeping in. I can be perfectly content surfing the internet, playing video games, or listening to music. I hate work. Even when I like my job, I hate having to go to work. There's so much I'd rather (not) be doing right now.
It's depressing, and sometimes a little bit funny, how often I'll say things like "tomorrow I'll start exercising." Or "this weekend let's do a deep cleaning of the apartment." These things never happen, because even the thought of doing them is exhausting. At work, I've skipped taking a break just because it meant I'd have to get up and move to another part of the room. How pathetic is that?
I try to find the silver lining though. While being slothful means I don't get anything done, it also affords me less opportunities to mess anything up.
WRATH
Anyone that has heard me when I've suffered some slight by a person on the phone, or in a car while I'm walking, knows that there is no shortage of wrath in me. I sometimes seethe with hatred for hours after one of these incidents, just imagining all the horrible things that could happen to the offending person. Many people have heard me say "die in a fire" or something similar when I feel somewhat put out.
I'm not the type to act out this anger physically. For one thing, I'm a weakling. If I acted upon my wrathful urgings, I'd find myself on my ass more often than not. But hateful thoughts? Yeah, I've got that in spades. And maybe it's with a touch of pride that I say I have a witty and particularly sharp tongue. If you've wronged me, I may envision your death, but the revenge I carry out is usually to make you cry. You can laugh if you want, but I've done it before. Am I proud of that? Well, yeah, a little. I know it's wrong, but when that curtain of seething red rage passes over my eyes, I just don't care if your feelings are hurt. In fact, I see it as justice.
So, there you have it. I have to admit I'm a bit surprised. Before I really started thinking about it, I felt like I didn't have Pride or Wrath at all. But, if you look at the spectrum of the so-called deadly sins, I shine like a star right in the middle of them all. But don't be too shocked or smug, you probably do too.
Now, before I do this, please understand that while I am referring to them as sins, I don't actually believe in the concept of sin. I don't believe in an afterlife with a punishment/reward scenario. So, I've removed the religious aspects of the definitions of these traits as I apply them to my own life and behavior. I see these "sins" as natural components of a person, and, like so many things, they are fine in moderation. It's only when it begins to dominate your life and interactions that it becomes a problem. But even then, it's not a sin. The repercussions are generally far more immediate than something that happens after you die. You'll be brought to task by the consequences of your actions, or by friends and family disowning you...
I wasn't sure which order I should put them in, so I went with alphabetical. Here goes:
ENVY
Envy is a part of my life. I fully admit that. It's not my "defining" sin, but it's up there. In my defense, I don't take it to the extreme of wanting to see people I envy brought low. Generally speaking, most of the people I envy are people I like, or people I don't know at all. I'm envious of people with musical talent. I've always wanted to be a musician. I used to fantasize and daydream about being a rock star. But while I was listening to music and daydreaming it was me on stage performing, other people were out actually learning an instrument.
So, I've only got myself to blame on that one. But that doesn't stop me evnying people like my brother, who taught himself bass and guitar because the desire to create music was so strong in him. I envy friends and family that have found jobs they love, or have the money to do all the things I want to do. I never resent them for this, I'm just kind of jealous. I'm jealous of people with artistic talent of any kind, and of people who don't want for inspiration when they endeavor to create.
So envy is definitely one of my defining characteristics. I try not to let it get out of hand, but I can't help but judge my own life against the lives of others, and sometimes I'm disappointed by the conclusions I draw.
GLUTTONY
Well, this is certainly a big one for me. Not the biggest, but probably the second biggest. I definitely am an overeater. Food is a source of more than just nutrition. It's a favorite subject to talk about. It's a comforting action. It's something to do when you're bored. It's a way to express your love of someone else. I sometimes think I'll always be overweight, because I just can't seem to resist the urge to eat. One of my favorite pastimes is to look through cookbooks and recipe websites and just try to imagine how those things would taste.
I could stand to lose some weight. Not because I hate the way I look, because I really don't. But I would like to not be winded from walking up a flight of stairs. I'd like to come home from a day out without my feet, knees, and back aching so badly that it discourages me from any further exertion. The problem is that they keep making food so...tasty.
GREED
Those who know me should be unsurprised that this is the sin I most embody. I love material things. When we were out with Michelle at various stores, including Best Buy, I found literally thousands of dollars worth of things I wanted. I'm sure most people want things that they can't have. But for me, it creates almost a physical ache of longing. When I saw the Nintendo 3DS in action, I think I audibly moaned. I had been skeptical of it's ability to render glasses-free 3-D. But when I saw how awesomely it delivered on my expectations, I knew I had to have one. I also saw a better HDTV, the Google TV system, dozens of video games, and all other manner of gadgets that I simply had to have. Even now, the next day, I can't stop thinking of all the things I want.
The negative way this affects me is that I am just terrible with money. I'm filled with greed, so when I have money, I tend to spend it foolishly. You could quadruple my salary, and I'd still have the same pittance at the end of the week. It really is true that the more you get, the more you want. It can't be helped. When we were saving up for our computer, it took Bill to snap me out of the ever-escalating insanity of want. We had enough to get a computer, but I thought "well, only $100 more and we can upgrade this..." Then we get the $100 and I start thinking, "oh, but for $200 more we can get this..." It's a neverending spiral of wanting more and more. Thankfully, Bill snapped me out of it, and we got a computer that we really like, and it's more than sufficient for our needs.
As a lifelong gamer, this is probably going to be a defining characteristic of mine until the day I die. Sad, but true. Still, there are worse sins to give in to.
LUST
There are some people, maybe those who knew me in college, or the people who knew me when I managed the porn store, who will think this is my biggest aspect. And don't get me wrong. I love pornography. I like the idea of it. I like the fantasy of it. And, when you couple my compulsive collecting and organizing behavior patterns with a love of porn, it can mean lots of lost evenings of sorting through sordid galleries of smut, for sure. But, believe it or not, I'm not sex-obsessed. I'd place lust somewhere in the middle in terms of prevalence in my life. It's not all I think about, and I'm not constantly thinking of the next time I have sex, or dwelling on the last time either.
Of course, there are those who think just looking at or downloading pornographic videos or pictures makes you a sick, lustful pervert. I happily, unreservedly disagree. Porn is healthy. Sexual hangups are the real problem. People need to lighten up.
PRIDE
I think this is the sin I least embody. Everyone can be excessively proud, but it certainly isn't the norm for me. If anything, I see myself as hopelessly mundane. That's why envy is so high up in my list. But if I'm to be completely honest with myself, there are definitely times when I see myself as better than other people. I try really hard to curtail those feelings though, because this can be one of the most harmful of these traits. I've noticed it the most when discussing religion with people. I have such a hard time understanding why someone would believe what I consider to be utterly ludicrous. So, the darkest part of me feels superior to believers, because I've had the strength of mind and reason to see through the lies of religion.
Another aspect of myself that I tie into pride is how much I love being praised. Maybe I just need validation. But when people talk about how good I am at my job, or how knowledgeable I am about a subject, I get such a charge out of it. Like most people, I'm prone to getting a big head with too much praise.
Despite all that, though, I don't see as much of this in me as the other sins.
SLOTH
Oh man, am I ever lazy. I will take the path of least resistance every single time. I'm predictable that way. If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. This is why a large portion of my daydreams center in some way around me and Bill winning the lottery or finding some other way out of an ordinary life and it's ordinary responsibilities. When people tell me things like "if I won the lottery, I'd still have to work, or I'd get bored," I just scoff. To me, a worthwhile day would begin with sleeping in. I can be perfectly content surfing the internet, playing video games, or listening to music. I hate work. Even when I like my job, I hate having to go to work. There's so much I'd rather (not) be doing right now.
It's depressing, and sometimes a little bit funny, how often I'll say things like "tomorrow I'll start exercising." Or "this weekend let's do a deep cleaning of the apartment." These things never happen, because even the thought of doing them is exhausting. At work, I've skipped taking a break just because it meant I'd have to get up and move to another part of the room. How pathetic is that?
I try to find the silver lining though. While being slothful means I don't get anything done, it also affords me less opportunities to mess anything up.
WRATH
Anyone that has heard me when I've suffered some slight by a person on the phone, or in a car while I'm walking, knows that there is no shortage of wrath in me. I sometimes seethe with hatred for hours after one of these incidents, just imagining all the horrible things that could happen to the offending person. Many people have heard me say "die in a fire" or something similar when I feel somewhat put out.
I'm not the type to act out this anger physically. For one thing, I'm a weakling. If I acted upon my wrathful urgings, I'd find myself on my ass more often than not. But hateful thoughts? Yeah, I've got that in spades. And maybe it's with a touch of pride that I say I have a witty and particularly sharp tongue. If you've wronged me, I may envision your death, but the revenge I carry out is usually to make you cry. You can laugh if you want, but I've done it before. Am I proud of that? Well, yeah, a little. I know it's wrong, but when that curtain of seething red rage passes over my eyes, I just don't care if your feelings are hurt. In fact, I see it as justice.
So, there you have it. I have to admit I'm a bit surprised. Before I really started thinking about it, I felt like I didn't have Pride or Wrath at all. But, if you look at the spectrum of the so-called deadly sins, I shine like a star right in the middle of them all. But don't be too shocked or smug, you probably do too.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Why I'm not wearing green today.
Please don't pinch me, but I'm just not a fan of this day. I haven't worn green on St. Patrick's Day (intentionally, that is) for quite a few years now. I realize many different people celebrate this day for many different reasons. But when people ask me why I'm not wearing green, I usually find a slew of reasons to give them. Here are a few:
1. I'm Irish year round. This day isn't for me, it's for the non-Irish. So, have fun with it, but I don't need a day set aside for being Irish. I can wear that Kiss Me I'm Irish pin year round without shame.
2. I'm wearing orange. I'm flying as much Irish flag as you are, really. I do have some pride in and affinity with my Irish heritage. So, it doesn't bother me to identify with it. But the whole green thing is a bit to sheople-ish for my taste.
3. Celebrating being Irish is one thing. Celebrating a religious figure is quite another. Especially when the "snakes" that religious figure drove from Ireland were pagans. Using your juggernaut of a church to roll over the beliefs of an indigenous people and mass-converting them isn't really the sort of thing I want to celebrate.
4. I can't stand drunks. And I don't like "drinking holidays." That means New Years Eve and Independence Day are out too. And Memorial Day. These are all thinly veiled excuses for people to get blind stinking drunk during the day. And then I have to walk amongst them as I go to and from work. It all just drives me crazy. Whether it's the benignly stupid "WOOOHOOO" or the maliciously drunken insults hurled from cars, it annoys me. Seeing people that can barely walk stumble around like idiots sounds funny on the surface, but it's just a whole wealth of problems waiting to happen.
5. Drunk drivers. This goes hand in hand with number four. Sure, a lot of people will take a taxi. But a lot won't. Drunk drivers are selfish, dangerous people. Being a pedestrian, I feel especially vulnerable walking home from work on days like today. All because of a drinking holiday. How many casualties will there be this year?
So, that's why I don't celebrate this holiday, or even wear green. But I don't begrudge other people having their fun. I just hope they do it responsibly. Get a taxi. Don't get into fights. And please for the love of everything you hold dear, don't hurl insults at passersby, especially if it's me.
Be safe.
1. I'm Irish year round. This day isn't for me, it's for the non-Irish. So, have fun with it, but I don't need a day set aside for being Irish. I can wear that Kiss Me I'm Irish pin year round without shame.
2. I'm wearing orange. I'm flying as much Irish flag as you are, really. I do have some pride in and affinity with my Irish heritage. So, it doesn't bother me to identify with it. But the whole green thing is a bit to sheople-ish for my taste.
3. Celebrating being Irish is one thing. Celebrating a religious figure is quite another. Especially when the "snakes" that religious figure drove from Ireland were pagans. Using your juggernaut of a church to roll over the beliefs of an indigenous people and mass-converting them isn't really the sort of thing I want to celebrate.
4. I can't stand drunks. And I don't like "drinking holidays." That means New Years Eve and Independence Day are out too. And Memorial Day. These are all thinly veiled excuses for people to get blind stinking drunk during the day. And then I have to walk amongst them as I go to and from work. It all just drives me crazy. Whether it's the benignly stupid "WOOOHOOO" or the maliciously drunken insults hurled from cars, it annoys me. Seeing people that can barely walk stumble around like idiots sounds funny on the surface, but it's just a whole wealth of problems waiting to happen.
5. Drunk drivers. This goes hand in hand with number four. Sure, a lot of people will take a taxi. But a lot won't. Drunk drivers are selfish, dangerous people. Being a pedestrian, I feel especially vulnerable walking home from work on days like today. All because of a drinking holiday. How many casualties will there be this year?
So, that's why I don't celebrate this holiday, or even wear green. But I don't begrudge other people having their fun. I just hope they do it responsibly. Get a taxi. Don't get into fights. And please for the love of everything you hold dear, don't hurl insults at passersby, especially if it's me.
Be safe.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Here I come to save the day...
I think if you were a superhero, the hardest part would be coming up with a nice catchphrase. Well, that and the super-tights. I think we'd need a special kind of superhero just to rescue people from that sight.
Growing up, I was really into comic books. I wasn't a collector, because I took them out of the plastic slipcovers and read the comics. But I was definitely a fan. The idea of having powers or abilities other people didn't have was pretty alluring. Eventually, I quit buying comics, because the habit got pretty expensive. But I remained fascinated with the stories, hooked on the characters.
So, it should come as little surprise that one of my favorite daydreams is to think of what powers I would want, and what I would do with them if I had them. And that's what I'll do here, in no particular order.
1. Cyberkinesis - This is the manipulation and control of computers and electronics. It would be handy, if not for any other reason, just because I'm so bad with computers. It'd be nice to be able to make computers do what I want. The first thing I'd do is go to the casino and get myself a jackpot on a progressive slot machine. You gotta have cash flow. Then it's on to the corporations. Time for a major fleecing, I think. You can really see how small a step it is from vigilante to criminal...
2. Teleportation - I sometimes get depressed because it seems as if I'll never get to see the world. Tickets to just about anywhere are prohibitively expensive. And then you need to have money to stay in a hotel, see the sights, pay for meals, and go shopping. And you have to have enough vacation time from work to go in the first place. But if you could instantly teleport anywhere in the world, you wouldn't have to pay for air fare, you could still sleep at home in your own bed, and you could even bypass the need for entry fees in most places. And, if you don't care about local cuisine, you could eat at home too. And who cares if you have vacation time? Just go on a weekend off.
3. Invisibility - I'd be lying if I pretended I wouldn't use this for perverted ends. NFL Locker rooms... I never claimed to be pure.
Growing up, I was really into comic books. I wasn't a collector, because I took them out of the plastic slipcovers and read the comics. But I was definitely a fan. The idea of having powers or abilities other people didn't have was pretty alluring. Eventually, I quit buying comics, because the habit got pretty expensive. But I remained fascinated with the stories, hooked on the characters.
So, it should come as little surprise that one of my favorite daydreams is to think of what powers I would want, and what I would do with them if I had them. And that's what I'll do here, in no particular order.
1. Cyberkinesis - This is the manipulation and control of computers and electronics. It would be handy, if not for any other reason, just because I'm so bad with computers. It'd be nice to be able to make computers do what I want. The first thing I'd do is go to the casino and get myself a jackpot on a progressive slot machine. You gotta have cash flow. Then it's on to the corporations. Time for a major fleecing, I think. You can really see how small a step it is from vigilante to criminal...
2. Teleportation - I sometimes get depressed because it seems as if I'll never get to see the world. Tickets to just about anywhere are prohibitively expensive. And then you need to have money to stay in a hotel, see the sights, pay for meals, and go shopping. And you have to have enough vacation time from work to go in the first place. But if you could instantly teleport anywhere in the world, you wouldn't have to pay for air fare, you could still sleep at home in your own bed, and you could even bypass the need for entry fees in most places. And, if you don't care about local cuisine, you could eat at home too. And who cares if you have vacation time? Just go on a weekend off.
3. Invisibility - I'd be lying if I pretended I wouldn't use this for perverted ends. NFL Locker rooms... I never claimed to be pure.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Playlist 2/28/11
Another playlist:
1. The Ladies - Non-Threatening
2. Brandtson - You Do the Science
3. Pinback - Walters
4. UnSun - Mockers
5. The Whigs - In the Dark
6. Nightwish - Walking In the Air
7. Jimmy Eat World - Call It In the Air
8. Thingy - O.B.1
9. The Sundays - Goodbye
10. Fifteen Minutes Fast - Move Me
11. Realpeople - My Wife, Lost in the Wild
12. Heavy Vegetable - Listen To This Song, Kill Pigs, and Try to Sue Me
13. Screamfeeder - Dart
14. Rob Crow - Burns
15. Delerium - Stopwatch Heart (Featuring Emily Haines)
16. Dance Hall Crashers - Beverly Kills
17. Kamelot - The Pendulous Fall
18. Reggie and the Full Effect - Caving
19. Other Men - Kind of Off to the Side a Bit
20. Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
Wow, that's a heavy Rob Crow presence (The Ladies, Pinback, Thingy, Heavy Vegetable, Other Men, and of course, his solo work). I guess my PSP likes him as much as I do!
1. The Ladies - Non-Threatening
2. Brandtson - You Do the Science
3. Pinback - Walters
4. UnSun - Mockers
5. The Whigs - In the Dark
6. Nightwish - Walking In the Air
7. Jimmy Eat World - Call It In the Air
8. Thingy - O.B.1
9. The Sundays - Goodbye
10. Fifteen Minutes Fast - Move Me
11. Realpeople - My Wife, Lost in the Wild
12. Heavy Vegetable - Listen To This Song, Kill Pigs, and Try to Sue Me
13. Screamfeeder - Dart
14. Rob Crow - Burns
15. Delerium - Stopwatch Heart (Featuring Emily Haines)
16. Dance Hall Crashers - Beverly Kills
17. Kamelot - The Pendulous Fall
18. Reggie and the Full Effect - Caving
19. Other Men - Kind of Off to the Side a Bit
20. Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
Wow, that's a heavy Rob Crow presence (The Ladies, Pinback, Thingy, Heavy Vegetable, Other Men, and of course, his solo work). I guess my PSP likes him as much as I do!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Becoming an Atheist
I thought I'd write a bit here about my path to becoming an atheist. This topic comes up frequently for me, both at work and at home or in social situations. These conversations run the gamut from philosophical discussions and reasoned debates to condescension and vilification for my "heathen ways." In all cases, it's a topic I enjoy exploring, even if I'm not always the most knowledgeable of the various arguments or logical fallacies one sees in these types of debates.
I was raised in a Catholic household. Church attendance was mandatory. So was CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine. It's basically like Catholic bible school for children). While we weren't so devout a family that our religion defined every moment of our lives, it was certainly a large part of my upbringing. Something that I've always felt set me apart from most people is that I don't think I ever truly believed in any of it. I tried to be pious because it was valued by other people. If you show how much you love God and the bible and Jesus and all that, then people praise you for being such a good child.
I remember when I made my first communion when I was eight years old. One of the gifts I got was an illustrated children's bible. (The other big gift was an Atari 2600...which do you think was my favorite? Video games ended up being a bigger part of my life than God). I used to carry the bible around with me, and read it like it was a novel (and indeed, I do consider it to be a work of fiction, so it sort of is like a novel). But did I believe what I was reading? No. I just liked all the praise lavished on me for being a good little Catholic.
This dichotomy of believe versus expectation actually caused me quite a bit of stress as a child. I remember being told how important it was to say my prayers each night. We needed God for protection, and it was important that I remember to include everyone in my prayers. And I did all that. The problem was, I always felt like I was just talking to myself. And because I never would have thought it possible at that time to disbelieve in God, I just assumed there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was praying wrong. Maybe I was flawed in some way. And these feelings of being flawed or broken both reinforced and were reinforced by my dawning realization that I was gay.
So, take my tumultuous feelings associated with being gay (which I realized when I was nine, though the suspicions about it were there even longer than that), and add a naturally obsessive compulsive personality, and it's a recipe for disaster. I used to pray fervently for God's protection for myself and my family and friends. But because I felt like there was noone listening, I began to feel like the people I prayed for were actually in danger. And so I began praying obsessively, almost like a mantra that I repeated over and over in my head, hoping it would suddenly ring true. And if I forgot someone I would start over. And if I thought of someone else to include I'd have to start over too. It really was a kind of hell, and I was all alone. I couldn't discuss these thoughts with anyone.
Similarly, when it became clear that I wasn't going to be growing out of this whole gay thing, I began to pray obsessively for God to "make me normal." There were times when I stayed up all night praying with everything that was in me. Of course, nothing ever happened. It never felt like more than thinking. There was nothing there to hear me.
Those were the conditions that really eroded my ability to convince myself that God was real. But it took a while for me release the guilt of disbelief. That's the real damage done by religion in my opinion. It sets you back on your journey to finding your own beliefs. Some people never overcome their programming. Most religious families raise their children in that tradition, and never explain to them that other beliefs are possible. So, for me, there was a winding road of alternate beliefs before I felt okay with letting go of religion. I flirted with Wiccan beliefs, but they just seemed silly. It turns out that I was drawn to it because the mysticism of it felt like a game. That's hardly a foundation to build a belief system on.
I went through a period around 13 or 14 years ago where I called myself an agnostic, but really I was just picking and choosing the parts of various belief systems that I found appealing. I figured there had to be a god, because what created the universe? This was, of course, before I understood the concept of infinite regress. But the god I was choosing to believe in was pretty far from the Abrahamic God. It was more of the detached watchmaker variety. And karma seemed like a nice system, so I incorporated that.
Over the course of those 13 or 14 years, I began stripping away those beliefs to get at the core, which was my rational conclusion that there was no god at all. I've been identifying myself as an atheist for the past several years now. And I'm far happier for it. I've been distilling all the extraordinary beliefs out there and finding the essence, which is a refutation of the supernatural.
Now, when people ask me what I believe in, I usually say that I believe in science. I try always to find the reasoned, scientific evidence to formulate my stance on the world. It's a process, and I'm not where I want to be yet, but I think with time, education, and the ability to step away from supernatural beliefs, I can get there.
I was raised in a Catholic household. Church attendance was mandatory. So was CCD (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine. It's basically like Catholic bible school for children). While we weren't so devout a family that our religion defined every moment of our lives, it was certainly a large part of my upbringing. Something that I've always felt set me apart from most people is that I don't think I ever truly believed in any of it. I tried to be pious because it was valued by other people. If you show how much you love God and the bible and Jesus and all that, then people praise you for being such a good child.
I remember when I made my first communion when I was eight years old. One of the gifts I got was an illustrated children's bible. (The other big gift was an Atari 2600...which do you think was my favorite? Video games ended up being a bigger part of my life than God). I used to carry the bible around with me, and read it like it was a novel (and indeed, I do consider it to be a work of fiction, so it sort of is like a novel). But did I believe what I was reading? No. I just liked all the praise lavished on me for being a good little Catholic.
This dichotomy of believe versus expectation actually caused me quite a bit of stress as a child. I remember being told how important it was to say my prayers each night. We needed God for protection, and it was important that I remember to include everyone in my prayers. And I did all that. The problem was, I always felt like I was just talking to myself. And because I never would have thought it possible at that time to disbelieve in God, I just assumed there was something wrong with me. Maybe I was praying wrong. Maybe I was flawed in some way. And these feelings of being flawed or broken both reinforced and were reinforced by my dawning realization that I was gay.
So, take my tumultuous feelings associated with being gay (which I realized when I was nine, though the suspicions about it were there even longer than that), and add a naturally obsessive compulsive personality, and it's a recipe for disaster. I used to pray fervently for God's protection for myself and my family and friends. But because I felt like there was noone listening, I began to feel like the people I prayed for were actually in danger. And so I began praying obsessively, almost like a mantra that I repeated over and over in my head, hoping it would suddenly ring true. And if I forgot someone I would start over. And if I thought of someone else to include I'd have to start over too. It really was a kind of hell, and I was all alone. I couldn't discuss these thoughts with anyone.
Similarly, when it became clear that I wasn't going to be growing out of this whole gay thing, I began to pray obsessively for God to "make me normal." There were times when I stayed up all night praying with everything that was in me. Of course, nothing ever happened. It never felt like more than thinking. There was nothing there to hear me.
Those were the conditions that really eroded my ability to convince myself that God was real. But it took a while for me release the guilt of disbelief. That's the real damage done by religion in my opinion. It sets you back on your journey to finding your own beliefs. Some people never overcome their programming. Most religious families raise their children in that tradition, and never explain to them that other beliefs are possible. So, for me, there was a winding road of alternate beliefs before I felt okay with letting go of religion. I flirted with Wiccan beliefs, but they just seemed silly. It turns out that I was drawn to it because the mysticism of it felt like a game. That's hardly a foundation to build a belief system on.
I went through a period around 13 or 14 years ago where I called myself an agnostic, but really I was just picking and choosing the parts of various belief systems that I found appealing. I figured there had to be a god, because what created the universe? This was, of course, before I understood the concept of infinite regress. But the god I was choosing to believe in was pretty far from the Abrahamic God. It was more of the detached watchmaker variety. And karma seemed like a nice system, so I incorporated that.
Over the course of those 13 or 14 years, I began stripping away those beliefs to get at the core, which was my rational conclusion that there was no god at all. I've been identifying myself as an atheist for the past several years now. And I'm far happier for it. I've been distilling all the extraordinary beliefs out there and finding the essence, which is a refutation of the supernatural.
Now, when people ask me what I believe in, I usually say that I believe in science. I try always to find the reasoned, scientific evidence to formulate my stance on the world. It's a process, and I'm not where I want to be yet, but I think with time, education, and the ability to step away from supernatural beliefs, I can get there.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wishlist 2/24/11
There are a number of new gadgets and games coming out in the coming months through the end of the year that I'm already beginning to drool over. Some of these I'll obsess over until I finally have them in my hands. Unfortunately, resources being limited, many of them will probably never be mine (unless Bill and I can find a wealthy benefactor to give us money just because we're cool...). Here's two of the things I'm most excited about.
Here is a short video showcasing the games in development on the NGP:
1. Dragon Age 2 - 
This is the sequel to the console RPG Dragon Age: Origins, developed by BioWare. I downloaded the demo from the PSN last Tuesday, and it was such an improvement on the original. The graphics were updated, and the combat was streamlined and improved. I really enjoyed the original, but it felt sort of detached from the action. You selected a target for your attacks, pressed the action button, and you would auto-attack until the enemy died or you selected a special attack or spell. Dragon Age 2 plays more like an actual action RPG. Every press of the attack button translates into an attack on screen. And the animations of combos and attacks looks much more natural.
This is the sequel to the console RPG Dragon Age: Origins, developed by BioWare. I downloaded the demo from the PSN last Tuesday, and it was such an improvement on the original. The graphics were updated, and the combat was streamlined and improved. I really enjoyed the original, but it felt sort of detached from the action. You selected a target for your attacks, pressed the action button, and you would auto-attack until the enemy died or you selected a special attack or spell. Dragon Age 2 plays more like an actual action RPG. Every press of the attack button translates into an attack on screen. And the animations of combos and attacks looks much more natural.Another change I was happy with was the fact that you can now input commands for multiple party members at the same time. While the radial action menu is open, all action is paused. You can select spells or items to use, then close the radial menu and all characters will perform the actions you assigned. This makes combat much more efficient and less frustrating.
BioWare really seems to have taken fan suggestions and complaints to heart when developing this title. When you pick up loot, you see a notification detailing what you picked up. No longer do you get the obscure "Items Received" notice. Leveling up can now be done even in combat, and it's a lot more convenient. If multiple characters level up at the same time, when you finish with one, the next is automatically selected.
Luckily for me, I have this game pre-paid in full, including the collector's edition book. And because I pre-ordered early, I received an automatic upgrade to the signature edition. Dragon Age II comes out on March 8th, 2011. I can barely wait!
2. Sony's PSP2 - 
Codenamed Next Generation Portable, or NGP, this is the successor to the original Playstation Portable. An official name hasn't actually been announced yet, though many people, judging by the titles of a few upcoming games that have been announced for the system, think it may be called Playstation Next.
Codenamed Next Generation Portable, or NGP, this is the successor to the original Playstation Portable. An official name hasn't actually been announced yet, though many people, judging by the titles of a few upcoming games that have been announced for the system, think it may be called Playstation Next. Whatever it's called, I want one.
I'm not really the most tech-minded person, though I love gadgets. So, I'm not going to list what CPU or GPU this thing has in it. I don't understand that sort of thing. I know it's a quad-core processor, so it's going to have considerable power. And some features have been announced, but no specifications given, such as the front and rear facing cameras. We know they're there, but we don't know how many megapixels they are. The 5" OLED screen is multitouch capable, and there is a touchpad on the back of the device as well, which evidently can have L2 and R2 controls mapped to it. Add on the full six-axis motion control, and the NGP can duplicate the full functionality of a PS3's DualShock controller. This means that a wider variety of games and genres can and likely will be ported to the system.
The NGP will use a combination of digital and physical media for games. But, unlike the original PSP, it will not use UMD format games. Instead, a proprietary flash based card will be used. There's not a lot of detail about the format as of yet. I've heard also that it has two card slots, presumably for both game cards and for expandable memory. I've not heard anything about internal memory, but I fear that it won't have internal flash memory like the PSPGo! had. Nevertheless, it should still be amazing. There's already a bevy of developers on board for NGP support, so there should be no shortage of awesome games to play.
I can't wait to get more information about the NGP. Most importantly is the price. Sony has yet to announce a price point for the system. I have read there will be two SKUs. One will be the standard version, which has Wi-Fi and Bluetooth connectivity. The second is 3G compatible. People have wondered if there will be a data plan subscription required for the 3G option. I hope Sony does what Barnes and Noble did with the Nook 3G, whose access is maintained for free via Barnes and Noble. Either way, that's the version I'll be buying.
Of course, there are many more items that can go on my wishlist, but I'll save those for future posts.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Playlist 2/20/11
Every once in a while, I will post a playlist of what I'm listening to at the moment. Usually, this will be generated by putting my PSP on shuffle and writing down what comes out of it. Here's the first one:
1. A.C. Newman - Submarines of Stockholm
2. Shiny Toy Guns - Rainy Monday
3. The Knife - Heartbeats
4. Treble Charger - American Psycho
5. Beirut - A Sunday Smile
6. Kamelot - Abandoned
7. Therion - Seven Secrets of the Sphinx
8. The Wrens - Happy
9. Reggie and the Full Effect - What the Hell Is Stipulation?
10. Santigold - L.E.S. Artistes
11. Lily Allen - The Fear
12. Fire Spoken By the Buffalo - Like Rivers
13. Nightwish - Beauty of the Beast
14. Puffy AmiYumi - Planet Tokyo
15. Dance Hall Crashers - Last Laugh
16. Pinback - Tripoli
17. Bo Pepper - Life Before Me
18. Cinnamon Chasers - Luv Deluxe
19. Remote Action Sequence Project - Sopwith Camel Pillow
20. Brandtson - Mark It a Zero
Well, that's an eclectic mix. We've got metal, indie, pop, electro... Good stuff.
1. A.C. Newman - Submarines of Stockholm
2. Shiny Toy Guns - Rainy Monday
3. The Knife - Heartbeats
4. Treble Charger - American Psycho
5. Beirut - A Sunday Smile
6. Kamelot - Abandoned
7. Therion - Seven Secrets of the Sphinx
8. The Wrens - Happy
9. Reggie and the Full Effect - What the Hell Is Stipulation?
10. Santigold - L.E.S. Artistes
11. Lily Allen - The Fear
12. Fire Spoken By the Buffalo - Like Rivers
13. Nightwish - Beauty of the Beast
14. Puffy AmiYumi - Planet Tokyo
15. Dance Hall Crashers - Last Laugh
16. Pinback - Tripoli
17. Bo Pepper - Life Before Me
18. Cinnamon Chasers - Luv Deluxe
19. Remote Action Sequence Project - Sopwith Camel Pillow
20. Brandtson - Mark It a Zero
Well, that's an eclectic mix. We've got metal, indie, pop, electro... Good stuff.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Remember Me?
Well, as I predicted back in my first post, my stick-to-it-ive-ness isn't so adhesive. It's been well over a year since my last post. So, that's about par for the course. I'm trying very hard, however, to regain my interest in this blog. I think the main reason is that I've actually decided to stop writing in my personal journal. It wasn't going anywhere. It wasn't even all that cathartic. I just bitched about the same things in every entry. And I'm so lazy that sometimes I'd start an entry, and then realize how much of a pain in the ass it would be to write everything I was thinking down, and I'd scrap it. I am the picture of motivation...
So, maybe I'll give this blog a try again. It's almost a private journal, considering that hardly anybody reads it...
Here's an update:
I'm still working at St. Lukes in the Heart Institute. It sometimes amazes me that time has passed so quickly here. Ordinarily time drags on when I'm at a job. I'll feel like I've been there for years before the six-month mark. I burn out on jobs easily. So it's surprising that this April will see my third anniversary at the hospital. That's the longest I've held a job since the porn store.
The key to avoiding burnout, for me at least, is to give no more than is absolutely necessary to the job. So many people, in pursuit of money, will work every scrap of overtime they can snatch up. They'll work doubles, have eight hours off, then work another double. Fuck that. I put in my eight hours, and then I go home. I've done the overtime thing. I've done the night shift. They will make me hate a job faster than anything. So, I've been careful to avoid extra time on the job. And, obviously, it's paid off.
My relationship continues to be the one thing I'm good at. I am baffled at people that seem to work against themselves when it comes to relationships. There aren't rules you have to follow. I find it sad when someone won't call a person, because the "rules" state you have to wait a certain period of time. All you're doing is denying yourself the company of someone you like. People are so concerned about what they can get out of a relationship, and don't worry about what they can put into it. If both parties involved (or more, if you're into the open relationship scenario) are looking out for themselves, who exactly is looking out for the relationship? Hmmm. I should write a book.
I don't think I ever mentioned our cat, Luna, so I'll do so now. I'd like to post some pictures of her, and I will eventually. But for now that's not an option. She's beautiful though. And an utter pain in the ass. She was a feral cat that we rescued from under my mom's porch in Warrensburg. Considering her wild beginnings, it's amazing to me that she's become a loving and loveable pet. And if she has her skittishness and her random quirks, well, she's no different from us.
My mom retired last year and moved to Florida. While I'm happy for her, because she's wanted to retire in Florida for quite a while, I also really miss having her so close. I used to spend the weekend in Warrensburg around once a month. I've always been a bit of a mama's boy, so this is quite an adjustment. I'm getting used to it, though. And, there will be worse places to visit in the winter than Florida.
The final bit of update-worthy news is that our computer died a horrible painful death. You don't really appreciate how integral the internet is to your life until you no longer have easy access to it. That's why there will be no pictures in this post or in any other posts I may (or may not) make in the near future. We are saving money when we can, and hope to have a new computer soon. In the interim, my internet access is limited to work access, which I shouldn't abuse (ummmm...yeah), and my PSP, which is a fantastic piece of electronics, but certainly not an effective replacement of an actual computer. But that little guy has been a lifeline for us for the last several months since our computer succumbed to the rigors of time.
Anyway, that's about all the relevant information in my life at the moment. Hopefully I'll have a more entertaining post coming here soon. Or, I might just go another year and a half before writing again... We'll see.
So, maybe I'll give this blog a try again. It's almost a private journal, considering that hardly anybody reads it...
Here's an update:
I'm still working at St. Lukes in the Heart Institute. It sometimes amazes me that time has passed so quickly here. Ordinarily time drags on when I'm at a job. I'll feel like I've been there for years before the six-month mark. I burn out on jobs easily. So it's surprising that this April will see my third anniversary at the hospital. That's the longest I've held a job since the porn store.
The key to avoiding burnout, for me at least, is to give no more than is absolutely necessary to the job. So many people, in pursuit of money, will work every scrap of overtime they can snatch up. They'll work doubles, have eight hours off, then work another double. Fuck that. I put in my eight hours, and then I go home. I've done the overtime thing. I've done the night shift. They will make me hate a job faster than anything. So, I've been careful to avoid extra time on the job. And, obviously, it's paid off.
My relationship continues to be the one thing I'm good at. I am baffled at people that seem to work against themselves when it comes to relationships. There aren't rules you have to follow. I find it sad when someone won't call a person, because the "rules" state you have to wait a certain period of time. All you're doing is denying yourself the company of someone you like. People are so concerned about what they can get out of a relationship, and don't worry about what they can put into it. If both parties involved (or more, if you're into the open relationship scenario) are looking out for themselves, who exactly is looking out for the relationship? Hmmm. I should write a book.
I don't think I ever mentioned our cat, Luna, so I'll do so now. I'd like to post some pictures of her, and I will eventually. But for now that's not an option. She's beautiful though. And an utter pain in the ass. She was a feral cat that we rescued from under my mom's porch in Warrensburg. Considering her wild beginnings, it's amazing to me that she's become a loving and loveable pet. And if she has her skittishness and her random quirks, well, she's no different from us.
My mom retired last year and moved to Florida. While I'm happy for her, because she's wanted to retire in Florida for quite a while, I also really miss having her so close. I used to spend the weekend in Warrensburg around once a month. I've always been a bit of a mama's boy, so this is quite an adjustment. I'm getting used to it, though. And, there will be worse places to visit in the winter than Florida.
The final bit of update-worthy news is that our computer died a horrible painful death. You don't really appreciate how integral the internet is to your life until you no longer have easy access to it. That's why there will be no pictures in this post or in any other posts I may (or may not) make in the near future. We are saving money when we can, and hope to have a new computer soon. In the interim, my internet access is limited to work access, which I shouldn't abuse (ummmm...yeah), and my PSP, which is a fantastic piece of electronics, but certainly not an effective replacement of an actual computer. But that little guy has been a lifeline for us for the last several months since our computer succumbed to the rigors of time.
Anyway, that's about all the relevant information in my life at the moment. Hopefully I'll have a more entertaining post coming here soon. Or, I might just go another year and a half before writing again... We'll see.
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